Blech!

Sometimes, I go a really long time without thinking of Beth. Then some times, she calls or writes and I get sucked in. And it just gets grosser and grosser feeling. You know how cool it feels when you are IM'ing someone and you write a couple long messages and then about 5 minutes later, they write "Yep." ? That feels so good. Like you are talking to a tree stump.

The trick is, to have the courage to do the same thing back, and not go out of your way for them. Except Beth takes that as disinterest (which it is) and gets really short and irritated. And then just writes "Bye". So mature. So well-adjusted. So much fun to be around.

Anyway, I am wondering if Alaska is a silly thing to do. I am looking at about $2500, not including the rent (and such) I will have to pay before I go, and the lost wages. It's just something I have to make damned sure of first. And that's not wrong.

OK, gotta go...talk to you all later!

I have actually begun planning the expedition (of sorts) to Alaska. Did a ton of research, got all the right phone numbers, made a shopping list for REI (or the like) and have my dates slowly solidifying in my head. The cats and I (after some arduous debate) have settled on mid-May. The very beginning of the season in most places I am planning to invade. Denali being the major one. I have a moral imperative to reach Fairbanks, and Denali is a mere hop and a skip away. The jump would be across the Bering Strait...not on my list of things to do! I also would like to include such fantastic places such as Chicken on my agenda. Chicken, Alaska. It's a real town. No kidding. So is Homer. Such great names! I still recall a T-shirt I saw when I first lived in Colorado. It read: "Alaska...where men are men and women win the Iditarod." Charming.

I was initially planning on taking a bus (or train) from here--ish to Juneau, then ferrying to Anchorage. Then meandering down to Homer whilst checking out the Kenai Peninsula...maybe stare across the Kodiak....maybe head out to Katmai...not sure. but from there, take the Alaskan Raailway North to Healy, and spend some time in Denali, and check out McKinley. Then, keep on railing North to Fairbanks. Then back again. The worst part is figuring out how to get to Alaska in the first place. Greyhound will get me there, but MAN, the route I would have to take and the time it would take! Airfare from here to Juneau is around $700. Yikes. That's a pinch in the plan. Not including all the atuff I will amass prior to departure, I was hoping to spend less than $1500 on the trip itself. OK, Anchorage will actually be about $5-600. Much better. And it can get there in as little as 7 hours, including a plane change! OK. I am a little more psyched (if that is possible!). OK. Off to do some more reading and not think about work. Yeah. No work on the mind.

Finally got this comment thing working. Now you can feel free to speak your mind or recommend a religion or tell me where to get a winning lottery ticket.

Got a trip planned and ideas are brewing. Alaska. Kind of a holy grail for me. I can't remember the first time I thought of it, but college made it much more important to me. Diane Cox (a wildly cool professor) told me that I needed to go there with an open mind...willing to go where it took me and stay as long as it took me to get there. I thought that was a powerful and inspiring, almost magical thing to say. So I am going through books and articles and absorbing whatever I can. It's exciting. I haven't planned a vacation fo myself in so long. Probably since a college roadtrip down South.

And I have been battling strange things in my head. How anxious am I to find someone? Well, I am really alone in some ways. It's a rough career in terms of trying to find friends. And I didn't grow up anywhere near here, so there are no old buddies. So it's odd. And most of the people I hang out with are involved with a woman, so I gotta be pretty secure to hang out with married/together couples. And I know I am getting there. But then the other side of the coin is this: It costs money to go out and do all these things. I know this. I used to do it a lot. And I really want to fix up my other Jeep. And I really want to find a great home. And I really want to make a special vacation. So it's more about balance than anything, I guess. Wow, that's anice thing to find out. It's less confusing than I thought!

OK. I am off to clean the house a little and think of something to do tomorrow. The weekend is here, and it is the last one of the year!

Just a short entry (for now, at least) on this fine, fine day. Merry Christmas, everyone! I made the best of my day. I smiled in the face of adversity when it arose, and I took all that was good and savored it. It's been a good year, all in all. The next year will bring great things for me. I am sure of it. I feel like so much of my life is falling into line lately. It's an odd feeling, actually being secure in who you are. And I am mostly there.

Be well and be safe tonight. Happy Holy Days.

So this is Christmas? I am sitting here, completely alone. And I am left to wonder if this is really OK. OK like I told myself it would be. Listening to crap I hate but can't not listen to. Avril. John Mayer. All these idiots making me feel lonely. Alone I can handle. But lonely makes my thighs wet. Not like that....wet from where the tears decide to drop off my jawline.

And I spent Christmas Eve with the most unlikely of people. A friend online that I haven't spoken to in years. But who was a friend in real life. And as Eve turns into Christmas, she is the closest person I have. There are some times when friends blow your mind. That is this night. What posessed me to IM her when I did? And what held me back from doing so so much sooner? Some weird kind of fate. Thanks for that.

Hey...that's all I really have to say without trying to address any one person. This is here for me. the second I realize I am trying to talk to any other person, I promised I would stop. So that's it. Night to all of my friends. I love you both!

I think the thing that took me the longest to figure out in my life is that I am not a horrible person. Even after the horrendous childhood I survived, college was too little too late to boost that self-esteem of mine. I am too big of a sucker. I give and give and give. And if I get a little back, I surrender to it and accept that the other person can only give that much. Sad, really. I have been shortchanging myself for all of my conscious years. Time to bring that runaway train to a halt.

Today was more of the same in my life. Work. Mainly. At least so far. Running things at this steel shop of mine gets better and better with each passing day (I will NEVER lose my sarcastic streak). Keep increasing the workload and keep up with the tight deadlines, but also please keep taking my guys away from me one by one. So leave me with one laborer and one print-reader/welder. Sweet. And people wonder why I laugh a lot at work. Insanity. That's it.

Ginsberg: "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness". If you haven't read "Howl", read it. Or better yet, have someone who has read it recite it out loud to you. At night. In a dimly lit room drinking wine out of a box. Maybe with a few friends. That is one of my ideas of a fantastic night.

Lately I have been pondering religion. Raised Roman Catholic, I left it behind somewhere around 19, when I finally awoke. If you can call it that. More like stepped sideways into the practice (maybe?) of agnosticism. A friend of mine just got screwed by "a really nice guy" (see older posts) who is a Buddhist. Nice. Merriam-Webster tells me this of our Buddhist friend's religion that he has practiced since birth with his whole family:

"A religion of eastern and central Asia growing out of the teaching of Gautama Buddha that suffering is inherent in life and that one can be liberated from it by mental and moral self-purification."

Huh...really? Does that mean that possibly infecting and impregnating my friend is now her problem and she needs to liberate herself from the suffering? Might have been a lot easier for her to do that without all the alcohol he gave to her. People. I will drive myself crazy worrying about other people's problems! Regardless, I must do some research into Buddhism. He has piqued my interest.

Back to the point, I am wondering if I need to find a more legitimate religion for myself. Time for me to see who has the best thing going. Any suggestions? Let me try and figure out how to get your comments posted here and maybe you can help out. Or, if you know me, email me.

Here's some writing excerpted from a small project I am working on. It might be a book, but it may very well end up being pages and pages of stuff on my computer that I add to often and only I ever read, but it still does me good.


In our own life span, there are a few important people that we can never escape. Our parents (assuming we know them at all ... I mean it), our self, a current love and a soul mate. I swore soul mates were a farce until my brain was exposed to reality. College. I found a soul mate. But she was there all along. We still keep in touch. And you will all have one. Or two. But never more than 3. Never. I personally guarantee that. If you think you have more than 3, try this out. Sit in a room with all these people. Everyone on their own chair. Have everyone close their eyes until they feel like opening them. Say nothing during this blindness. Don’t let on about your intentions, either. When you open your eyes, the people staring at you with their eyes open are your soul mates. Maybe you will shudder and realize that no one is. And you will denounce the whole process. Fine. You were lost to begin with, why change now? But for most of us, we will start thinking about that person or persons. More and more.

I said a “current” love because we are all in love for most of our lives. When we can’t quite put a finger on who it is, that just means there is so much energy being diverted within yourself that there isn’t enough to spare. We all need to recharge. That’s all it is. Maya Angelou talked in Saratoga Springs about not being able to love anyone until we all love our own self. So very right.

Thank you, random urge. You really made my night. Sometimes we forget how good it is to laugh out loud.

So the tree is trimmed and my brother and his bizarre family helped. It ended up looking pretty, as it should. I just wish I wasn't sleeping alone for the holidays. And that's really it. I just don't want to be alone. Not that I don't miss Beth, but I don't miss Beth in my bed. I just miss someone at this point. These are not the times to be alone.

She did call tonight, which was completely unexpected. But she did also say that she had already talked to "him". So I am playing second fiddle, and honestly I should be. Especially with all that she has going on with him and in her head right now. I am glad she called. I am happy she is trying to be happy. I just wish she wasn't content beng easy in order to be happy. And frustrated with "him". I mean, what kind of "really nice guy" (her words) lets the first sex between them be not only unprotected, but with her completely drunk? What kind of relationship is that going to be? What a great deal of respect he showed her. At least now he has the prized bargaining chip...they already did it, so why not keep doing it. Meaningless sex, the one thing she said she would never do. She has changed and she doesn't even know why.

And I don't really know why I care. Except that I really care for her and that will never change. I have been through enough love and enough heartbreak to know that this is not just a passing phase that I must go through. This time it feels different. I still care for her. As a friend. As a really good friend sometimes.

But I know I shouldn't. The field is not level. I get nothing.

A little bit I wrote about her shortly after the breakup...some really special things.

There is no one else I would rather...


Raise a giant dog with,
or fart on the porch with when I grow old,
or food shop with,
or drive with,
or shoot with,
or talk with,
or cry with,
or design a home with,
or fight with,
or kiss,
or shower with,
or read bedtime stories to,
or read anything to,
or sleep late with,
or get up early with,
or stay out late with,
or sit inside and veg all night with,
or watch Dirty Dancing with,
or go to the movies with,
or go to Carabba's with,
or make love with,
or remember,
or have had more photos of (naughty or not!),
or come home to,
or be honest to,
or do right by,
or run with,
or write to,
or see,
or build things for,
or shop for,
or shop with,
or explain my actions to,
or be inspired by,
or suprprise,
or hug,
or massage,
or hold hands with,
or be seen with,
or think of in my life for the rest of it,
or have children with,
or marry,
or grow old with,
or console me,
or console,
or play music for,
or have hired that day,
or love,
or be loved by,
or go to Abe's with,
or go to the beach with,
or eat lobster with,
or know,
or protect if she needs it,
or IM with,
or smile because of,
or make smile or laugh,
or wipe the tears from,
or be so sorry for my past to,
or be so sad all these things are undone to,
or find happiness in this world,
or never hurt again,
or be friends with for the rest of my life,
or have another chance with,
or succeed with,
or tell all my little daily bullshit to,
or talk to me about work,
or floss with,
or cook for,
or play Frisbee with,
or go to the bar with,
or buy a frog or an elephant for,
or go to the Zoo with (any Zoo),
or take pictures of (especially when she is smiling),
or watch the kittens grow into cats with,
or call Aidan with,
or be upset at,
or be sad with,
or listen to when she pees,
or be afraid about, that she will find someone better,
or feel hurt by,
or fix her car,
or buy another old Volvo for if I could,
or vacation with,
or help in any way,
or have help me when I need it,
or tell my secrets to (even the bad ones that came before her),
or convince of my honesty,
or be naked in front of,
or cup my balls,
or be sexual in any way with,
or meet in hopes of filling the void she left.

So my ex left to go back to her parents' home for a month while her school is on winter break. Which those of you who know nothing about my situation might jump at and say that it is a good thing. Well, it is. But it is masked in my own feelings of rejection. You see, when you get dumped (as opposed to being the dumper), you not only have to get over that person, but you are left pondering your own shortfalls. You wonder how you could have spent so much time with that person and still screwed things up so badly. You begin to think that you are a bad person. Even if those thoughts only come and go briefly, they are still lurking. Now, imagine your ex (and current best friend) has changed her mind about sex and now believes that she might just have sex to have sex, instead of it being a sign of ultimate commitment and passion, like you two had always said it was. Part of you would think this: "Hey, now is my chance for some more great sex with her", right? Nope. Because sex with me would be meaningless she says. Isn't that her whole new position?

She can be an amazing person, full of brilliance and determination and appreciation and passion. But she can also bear down on you like no other. And the part of her she shows to her new friends that she tells me aren't even friends is so small. So minute that they must have no idea who she is. At least that is my feeling. Unless she is lying about that. And she wouldn't lie to her best friend, right? Especially since that is why she dumped me. I lied about having a checking account. That was the final straw. I never cheated, never hit her, never meant any harm. It killed me a little every time I would look back and see I had hurt her in some way. But I lied, nonetheless. And I have to believe that she would never do that to me.

Well, I should believe that.

She wants me to get a new girlfriend soon. I spent almost 2 years with her, and now I have to deal with all of these thoughts. And the misery. And figure out if I should even be that miserable, firstly. Just because she is getting laid a couple months after we broke up doesn't mean I should be. I am too wise for that. I have had my share of women, and the next one will take some time to find. I will never settle for someone I do not see myself loving. And that is where our paths begin to split. She believes different things now. And it hurts. And feels good a little.

Good Will Hunting will tell you that real loss happens only when you love someone more than you love yourself. I feel empty inside. And my heart beats so hard and so fast when I think of her in love with someone else. I get...scared that I no longer am good. I need that external validation. But there is a much bigger part of me that calms my heart down and believes that I want her happiness with whomever she chooses. I am just afraid (as always) that my place in her life wil vanish. Like it already is.

Good day to you, sir. I said good day.

Keep coming back and I promise I will make it worth someone's while!