The post that SHOULD have been last night...
I give up. I know I said I would try this blogging shit on a regular basis. Well, except for work and bodily functions, there is nothing regular about me. I sleep at random intervals at random "bedtimes". I eat anything and everything, and I exercise when I feel like it. I listen all kinds of damn music and TV sucks entirely, so you never can tell what I might watch. I call my friends back whenever the hell I feel like it, which boils down to "not often enough". Sometimes I answer the phone, sometimes not. There are about 4 people on this planet that I will not ignore, and I actually would like to expand that list, but the truth is that I don't know if I can or want to. Sometimes, I like to keep my life small. I don't bring my cell phone everywhere, and that pisses off some people in my life. If I am at home, enjoying my solitude, I might not answer the door, even. So fucking what? I thought it was my life and I had every right to include anyone at any old time. I don't expect all of my friends to answer all of my calls, or even return them! And that's not because I have "ignored" their attempts. It just is the way it is.
So if this pisses some of you off, I am not sorry. This is one of those times when you either like me for who I am or not at all. I will not go and change to satisfy you. And if there is one person out there feeling all crappy now, chill out. This is directed towards several (and actually ALL) people in my life. I am not the type to split hairs. I would come out and say it. Example: Beth, you suck and I hope your life crawls to a slow death and the people you try to love, reject you like I was rejected by you. See? I have no problem getting in touch with my feelings and declaring to whom they are focused. Am I gonna stew over her? Nope. That's how I have felt for months. I don't brood...I don't plan attacks or imagine phone calls or letters. That is just how I feel and it is an anchored feeling, not likely to develop further or go away.
In other news, I visited Canon City most of this past weekend. My folks live there now, and it's about an hour away, which is the perfect distance. I love them dearly, and they are 2 of the people I will never ignore. I came home Saturday afternoon to be in attendance of the holy union of two of my "friends". Truth be told, I know the guy only a very small amount, and even that is from the pub and nowhere else. But it was still...well...it was a wedding. So I was there, at the request of the minister ( a divorce lawyer...appropos) and another bar-friend. The initial plan was to go to the wedding with the bar friend and attend the reception with his girlfriend, further perpetuating the "rumor" (which was initiated by the minister, another bar "friend") that the young lady and I are fucking. Well, we haven't and have no plans to. In her words, "I'm not going to be sleeping with you anytime soon." Right. Well, this is abundantly clear to almost everyone. But it is so fun screwing with our minister-friend's head. But alas, I was at the reception sans-the-other-guy's-GF. And it was a cash bar. With no champagne. Just some sham friends and some real pain. So a bunch of us left and had a drink at the local martini bar. Which I left from to go meet the female I was supposed to accompany to the reception. Long story short, it was another fun night of drinking, as is always the case with this person. See? There are a few of us at the pub with our minds set on good times. It's always good when we get together. No matter where it is. And this occasion was at a swank place afffectionately known by those in the know as the Tricky Nipple. Where some truly good bartenders are gainfully employed. And the crowd is a bit younger. A bit edgier than my regular dive.
So, a good time it was. Then, after a night of sleep (yes sleep...no sex) in my own bed, I went back to Canon. I know, I know...I shoulda had sex. But the only pussy in my bed that night was a little woman named Biscuit, and 4 legs and fur is not my idea of a good roll in the proverbial hay. Besides, I needed my sleep. Biscuit would have held a grudge, too. I can see it in her.
On the stereo right now? Radiohead. I don't usually mention that, but what the hell...I'm feeling frisky.
So while in Canon on Friday night, I had a dream about an ex, Christina. The only ex that I never had sex with. I think I might have loved her for a little while. I won't even ponder the question of what love is and how I would know if I was in it. That is far too pedestrian. Rather, I will ponder why I can't remember more of the dream. Equally as unanswerable but of more importance to me.
Someone told me a couple times recently that she feels she has no time to be a girlfriend. I know, there's a small degree of bullshit to that, but not really. Hang on, listen. I don't feel like I have time to be a boyfriend. I don't. I have filled my life with a lot of other things. Some of them amount only to chilling the fuck out while listening to music or reading. A woman in my life would dissolve that. I mean, of course a relationship disturbs things. I know that. I'm not a juvenile. My heart has been trampled more than once. But right here, right now, I have no time. I don't want a girlfriend. I wrestled with this for a while, especially under the pressure from my parents:"Don't you want a wife and kids?" All that stuff. I have discussed this here prior, so I will not again. I don't really feel comfortable with who I am right now. I need art. Every time I see it...it hurts. I have started taking photos again, and that is enriching. But I wanna build shit that looms over me and embodies my feelings. I guess if I had a huge love in my life, I might be inspired. It's not that I am waiting for love. I'm not. I have a lot of faith that I will die single. I don't know it...but it doesn't scare me at all. I know some people in my life care deeply. And that means more to me than anything else. Some people count on me for realistic things, like comfort and laughter and intellect. I like providing those things. They are the same things that draw me to others. Opposites attract? Horse pocky. Everything attracts. If you start to look for something, you will see it everywhere (movie reference: Pi).
OK. I am signing off now. There is more relaxing stuff to do. Nite kids.
-Rich
So if this pisses some of you off, I am not sorry. This is one of those times when you either like me for who I am or not at all. I will not go and change to satisfy you. And if there is one person out there feeling all crappy now, chill out. This is directed towards several (and actually ALL) people in my life. I am not the type to split hairs. I would come out and say it. Example: Beth, you suck and I hope your life crawls to a slow death and the people you try to love, reject you like I was rejected by you. See? I have no problem getting in touch with my feelings and declaring to whom they are focused. Am I gonna stew over her? Nope. That's how I have felt for months. I don't brood...I don't plan attacks or imagine phone calls or letters. That is just how I feel and it is an anchored feeling, not likely to develop further or go away.
In other news, I visited Canon City most of this past weekend. My folks live there now, and it's about an hour away, which is the perfect distance. I love them dearly, and they are 2 of the people I will never ignore. I came home Saturday afternoon to be in attendance of the holy union of two of my "friends". Truth be told, I know the guy only a very small amount, and even that is from the pub and nowhere else. But it was still...well...it was a wedding. So I was there, at the request of the minister ( a divorce lawyer...appropos) and another bar-friend. The initial plan was to go to the wedding with the bar friend and attend the reception with his girlfriend, further perpetuating the "rumor" (which was initiated by the minister, another bar "friend") that the young lady and I are fucking. Well, we haven't and have no plans to. In her words, "I'm not going to be sleeping with you anytime soon." Right. Well, this is abundantly clear to almost everyone. But it is so fun screwing with our minister-friend's head. But alas, I was at the reception sans-the-other-guy's-GF. And it was a cash bar. With no champagne. Just some sham friends and some real pain. So a bunch of us left and had a drink at the local martini bar. Which I left from to go meet the female I was supposed to accompany to the reception. Long story short, it was another fun night of drinking, as is always the case with this person. See? There are a few of us at the pub with our minds set on good times. It's always good when we get together. No matter where it is. And this occasion was at a swank place afffectionately known by those in the know as the Tricky Nipple. Where some truly good bartenders are gainfully employed. And the crowd is a bit younger. A bit edgier than my regular dive.
So, a good time it was. Then, after a night of sleep (yes sleep...no sex) in my own bed, I went back to Canon. I know, I know...I shoulda had sex. But the only pussy in my bed that night was a little woman named Biscuit, and 4 legs and fur is not my idea of a good roll in the proverbial hay. Besides, I needed my sleep. Biscuit would have held a grudge, too. I can see it in her.
On the stereo right now? Radiohead. I don't usually mention that, but what the hell...I'm feeling frisky.
So while in Canon on Friday night, I had a dream about an ex, Christina. The only ex that I never had sex with. I think I might have loved her for a little while. I won't even ponder the question of what love is and how I would know if I was in it. That is far too pedestrian. Rather, I will ponder why I can't remember more of the dream. Equally as unanswerable but of more importance to me.
Someone told me a couple times recently that she feels she has no time to be a girlfriend. I know, there's a small degree of bullshit to that, but not really. Hang on, listen. I don't feel like I have time to be a boyfriend. I don't. I have filled my life with a lot of other things. Some of them amount only to chilling the fuck out while listening to music or reading. A woman in my life would dissolve that. I mean, of course a relationship disturbs things. I know that. I'm not a juvenile. My heart has been trampled more than once. But right here, right now, I have no time. I don't want a girlfriend. I wrestled with this for a while, especially under the pressure from my parents:"Don't you want a wife and kids?" All that stuff. I have discussed this here prior, so I will not again. I don't really feel comfortable with who I am right now. I need art. Every time I see it...it hurts. I have started taking photos again, and that is enriching. But I wanna build shit that looms over me and embodies my feelings. I guess if I had a huge love in my life, I might be inspired. It's not that I am waiting for love. I'm not. I have a lot of faith that I will die single. I don't know it...but it doesn't scare me at all. I know some people in my life care deeply. And that means more to me than anything else. Some people count on me for realistic things, like comfort and laughter and intellect. I like providing those things. They are the same things that draw me to others. Opposites attract? Horse pocky. Everything attracts. If you start to look for something, you will see it everywhere (movie reference: Pi).
OK. I am signing off now. There is more relaxing stuff to do. Nite kids.
-Rich
posted by Rich at 5/09/2006 07:12:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home