So my ex left to go back to her parents' home for a month while her school is on winter break. Which those of you who know nothing about my situation might jump at and say that it is a good thing. Well, it is. But it is masked in my own feelings of rejection. You see, when you get dumped (as opposed to being the dumper), you not only have to get over that person, but you are left pondering your own shortfalls. You wonder how you could have spent so much time with that person and still screwed things up so badly. You begin to think that you are a bad person. Even if those thoughts only come and go briefly, they are still lurking. Now, imagine your ex (and current best friend) has changed her mind about sex and now believes that she might just have sex to have sex, instead of it being a sign of ultimate commitment and passion, like you two had always said it was. Part of you would think this: "Hey, now is my chance for some more great sex with her", right? Nope. Because sex with me would be meaningless she says. Isn't that her whole new position?
She can be an amazing person, full of brilliance and determination and appreciation and passion. But she can also bear down on you like no other. And the part of her she shows to her new friends that she tells me aren't even friends is so small. So minute that they must have no idea who she is. At least that is my feeling. Unless she is lying about that. And she wouldn't lie to her best friend, right? Especially since that is why she dumped me. I lied about having a checking account. That was the final straw. I never cheated, never hit her, never meant any harm. It killed me a little every time I would look back and see I had hurt her in some way. But I lied, nonetheless. And I have to believe that she would never do that to me.
Well, I should believe that.
She wants me to get a new girlfriend soon. I spent almost 2 years with her, and now I have to deal with all of these thoughts. And the misery. And figure out if I should even be that miserable, firstly. Just because she is getting laid a couple months after we broke up doesn't mean I should be. I am too wise for that. I have had my share of women, and the next one will take some time to find. I will never settle for someone I do not see myself loving. And that is where our paths begin to split. She believes different things now. And it hurts. And feels good a little.
Good Will Hunting will tell you that real loss happens only when you love someone more than you love yourself. I feel empty inside. And my heart beats so hard and so fast when I think of her in love with someone else. I get...scared that I no longer am good. I need that external validation. But there is a much bigger part of me that calms my heart down and believes that I want her happiness with whomever she chooses. I am just afraid (as always) that my place in her life wil vanish. Like it already is.
She can be an amazing person, full of brilliance and determination and appreciation and passion. But she can also bear down on you like no other. And the part of her she shows to her new friends that she tells me aren't even friends is so small. So minute that they must have no idea who she is. At least that is my feeling. Unless she is lying about that. And she wouldn't lie to her best friend, right? Especially since that is why she dumped me. I lied about having a checking account. That was the final straw. I never cheated, never hit her, never meant any harm. It killed me a little every time I would look back and see I had hurt her in some way. But I lied, nonetheless. And I have to believe that she would never do that to me.
Well, I should believe that.
She wants me to get a new girlfriend soon. I spent almost 2 years with her, and now I have to deal with all of these thoughts. And the misery. And figure out if I should even be that miserable, firstly. Just because she is getting laid a couple months after we broke up doesn't mean I should be. I am too wise for that. I have had my share of women, and the next one will take some time to find. I will never settle for someone I do not see myself loving. And that is where our paths begin to split. She believes different things now. And it hurts. And feels good a little.
Good Will Hunting will tell you that real loss happens only when you love someone more than you love yourself. I feel empty inside. And my heart beats so hard and so fast when I think of her in love with someone else. I get...scared that I no longer am good. I need that external validation. But there is a much bigger part of me that calms my heart down and believes that I want her happiness with whomever she chooses. I am just afraid (as always) that my place in her life wil vanish. Like it already is.
posted by Rich at 12/20/2003 07:48:00 PM
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