When I was a child....

I NEVER get religious, but I have always loved the First Epistle of Paul to the Corinthians:

"When I was a child, I spake as a child,
I understood as a child, I thought as a child:
but when I became a man, I put away
childish things. For now we see through a
glass, darkly; but then face to face: now
I know in part; but then shall I know even
as also I am known."

Mmmm hmmmm. Some adults I know still are children in so many ways. Laura is one...and I am sorry I ever got involved. She called me today and left a message with a bunch of lies in it about why she didn't call or get together with me this weekend. And I know she didn't really want to talk to me, because she called my house at atime when she knew I was working, and not my cell. Bizzatch. And, she 5got my birthday. Yeah, some friend, right?

But on the brightest of sunny notes...IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! I am now 32 years old. And I have a couple boxes of gifts that came to me from the East Coast...they will warm my life up! And Beth is actually being a friend lately, and is even buying me and bringing me Chipotle tonight.....how dreamy. I love a gigantic, stuffed-with-goodness burrito. I have to go and get a clean birthday suit on and wait for food! And look through the presents.....for some reason, I won't open them til after dinner. I don't know why.

The guys at work all did a swell thing and bought their boss a cake today, too!!!!! None of the office dweebs even said anything, except Mike, the one decent fella there. Honest and one-faced and diligent. His birthday was Saturday, so mine is easy to remember. We have been working together for 3 of them now. But still, you would think the owner of the HR director would have remembered. Nah, I should have known better. I shoulda-fuckin'-betta-known-betta. I love that movie.

OK, off I go. Have a good night, all y'all.

-Rich

Fears

What are your fears, including old ones, I guess. Here's a few of mine.

Santa. From childhood until high school. Had nightmares and everything. He was always chasing me. Menacing. Horrible. Bedwetting and the whole nine.

Spiders. Not so much anymore, but still afraid of the little ones. I can handle them though. I used to run out of the room screaming like a kid if I saw one.

Confined spaces. How the hell am I gonna get out of this room? What if I cramp up? See how I get? It's a complex downward spiral.

Went through a phase when I was scared of heights. The fire department cured me of that.

Finding someone that actually loves me. And not what they think I can be. Or who they want me to be. Or any of that usual shit. I wouldn't know how to act. I would probably smile a lot more!!!!

Can't think of any more for right now. I will add to it if I do.

Night, kids!

-Rich

Unanswered questions...the norm.

I stepped in it again. I know what I mean, though I doubt any of you do. I find mysef talking to unwilling people. People intersted in being heard. People interested in hearing, but not listening...waiting for their turn to talk.

But on a different note than normal, I need to remind myself to track down a copy of Confederacy of Dunces. It came highly recommened from a friend, and I am in search of a good read. It may very well be it. Anyone out there read it?

Already, I find myself excited about the impending Holidays. I don't usually get that way. But I am this year. Thanksgiving will be highly anti-climactic, but completely different from any other (see previous post, somewhere). And Christmas will be another alone-day, basically. The few friends I have are with family, which I am lacking locally. But I cannot get the time off to actually travel to see mine. But for some reason I am excited. I want to make a nice independence day of it. Low key is my theme this year. I need to spend time with me. I am a decent fella. I think. But I also believe I am jaded.

Go now, and listen to Girlfriend in a Coma (The Smiths).

And then She Hates Me (Puddle of Mud).

When on earth will I be able to know I am done with this part of my past? You see...I have this book, The Book of Answers. Supposedly, you ask a question and then open it. You will find your answer. Bull poopie. I just tried that question, and opened it. The first 2 made no sense. The third was "It will remain unpredictable". Thpt!

Try it again....OK, but I can't say the question...it's about one of you. And the answer is....."Deal with it later." Now that makes sense. One more time....the question is....OK, another private one...but the answer is...."You know better now than ever before." Good, that makes sense, too. I feel refreshed. Some sanity in this mess! If you can call trusting a book to give you advice "some sanity" !!!!!

OK, I better go get some exercise in today. I'll log some more words another day, maybe when there is something actually worth writing to write.

-Rich

The bar

I need help. I love the pub. There are epople there that I would not give up for the world. Biff and I are planning on Burning Man this next year. We haveplans for an art car and everything. If you want to go, talk to me. We are planning on making a flaming-baby-doll-head cannon as our main attraction. Now, granted...Biff is 55, but age is all relative.

Now, on to my help-needing situation. Laura. She worked last night and Biff asked her how I was. her exact words were "Well, I don't know". He left it at that. Should I write her a letter, or call her again? Or shoud I let it go. I mean...I still wanna know. And last I checked, I cared for her deeply. But the past week has made things weird.

OK, I Better go. This is bound to be another boozed-up banter. I would hate to get into more song yrics with you all. Like "all" means more than 2!!!!. Anyway, I love it all. THings are going ood places. I know it. Talk to you all soon!

-Ickie Dickie

I remember childhood.

I remember it as a time when I thought things were OK. I recal too vividly how I smiled a lot. That whole "on the outside" thing. We used to go camping a lot. I used to think it was dreamy. I loved it. I did. Lately, I painfully realized that it was simply due to a lack of significant money. We camped all along the East coast for financial reasons. But I smiled and loved it out of a fiduciary need. I wanted that "OK". I made our vacations into things of splendor, which they were. But I embellished them so much in my head that by the time it ever came to recounting them to another person, they were a magnificent thing that had no parallel. Man, childhood is a weird time. Now I kinda feel guilty for feeling slighted as a child. What a load of crap this wisdom thing is. I finally get to being a little smarter and now I get emotions tangled up into it. Eh, so what?

We used to go camping at a place in New Jersey, right on the PA border. Along the Delaware River. Worthington State Forest. I took some really outstanding pictures there as a child. I went back only once as an adult, without my parents. I went with my girlfriend and my brother and his girlfriend. We ended up getting kicked out for drinking in the campground. Such a rotten tribute to such a big part of my childhood. We went there so many times as a family. And a few times with the Boy Scouts. I remember seeing the deer out walking in the mornings: the first time I really saw deer. I remember stringing up a huge roll of copper wire to try to get better radio reception one day. Tossed it up into the trees. I can't remember if it worked any better, but by golly...we swear it did. I remember when the little section of the river that created an island dried up...there was this tiny island between our favorite site (#14) and the actual river. A little brook ran between us and the island. Well, it was a dry summer and there was almost no water. We found a carp lying, flopping in the pond that had been created. HUGE! We rescued him and put him back into the safety of the big river.

You're sitting there reading this wondering why I am telling this. I don't tell stories. I don't recall the past too often. I just don't. My life is made up of some truly horrible, scarring events. But more and more I am realizing that there is a lot more to it than that. Playing the sad-and-lonely-kid-with-a-bad-childhood card reels in some wackos. Most of my life has been about me being second. About listening and responding. I am no passenger and that has never crossed my mind as a serious thing until this week. It has been a week of sorrow and revelation. And a nice little single serving of mass hysteria. It's made a lot of room in my head for me. And that is something nice. I have stories. I have funny ones and boring ones, along with the mournful ones. I miss sharing. I don't know how much of it I ever did. But I know it has been missing.

My voice is nice. I have been told that, but always discounted it as another way to keep myself quiet and listening. Even in college, when I was a DJ for 3 years on the radio station. As much as I value communication in a relationship, I don't know if I was ever really pulling my weight. Until the gloves came off, that is. I am good in an argument, or even a fight.

Someone special walked into my life recently. And I knew she was going to be special right away. I wanted her. I did. I told people how badly I wanted to hold her. How much I wanted to know her. How much she had to offer, beneath the surface I didn't know yet. Well, we shared a lot in a short time. I began walking down the path of a relationship. I had a really good time. I was inspired to be more passionate, something I had lost for a while. I began to cook more, and paid better attention to my wines. I began to look forward to being out and about. Then the bottom dropped out. It took me a few days to even declare which way I believed was up. And I am there now. I deserve better, but she doesn't. I learned from it. It hurt like a son of a btich, and part of me will ache for a while. But she is not worth my enduring pain. So forward again, armed with a much better understanding of myself, for a change. No wasted energy on trying to figure her out. Or decipher what went wrong. I am not meant to know. This is about me, and it is a shot across my bow. I took my time getting here, but my life is mine. And it's about time I knew that.

I wish I had a lot of people to thank, but I don't. I gotta give love to K-Pax, for the sheer endurance and strength of her person and the sanctity her friendship has provided me over the years. And I gotta applaud myself. And some others, too...but not many. I don't have many friends. I can sit in my favorite bar and say hi to 15 people on any given night...but I wonder if I have the "stuff". The stuff that will let you sit at the opposite end of the bar as normal, but people will still come over and not just say Hi...but sit down. Biff (a nice regular there) says I got it. I am a good egg in his eyes. I love that. I believe him. But it's hard to. Jesse is a delightful little 8 year old (I think) there. She is Steph's daughter (a bartender). She loves to see me and runs across the bar when I show up. We play games and laugh and even go to an occasional dinner or hockey game. She clearly thinks I got it. But here's a fine example. Halloween Eve (the night of the big shindig there), I went there after work with a guy from work. We stroll in around 4:30 and stay til about 6. I am told I have to come back in costume. So, I go home and come back in costume around 7:30. I sit there and say my hello's to everyone until about 11, at which time I look around and realize, though the bar is packed, I am sitting alone. People have come by, but not stayed for more than a minute. That is a clear indicator. Maybe I just picked the wrong bar to frequent. Or maybe I need to get out there more. But I wanted a good seat at the bar so I could get bombed at my discretion without waiting on a waiter (that's weird..think about that). And the band was really pleasing. So I left without much fanfare. Which is OK. Went home and drank a little wine and went to bed. All was well with the world.

There is a lot more to say, but I gotta go do some reading and find a snack here. I am hungry, thoguh dinner should have sated me. It did not. So off I go. Sleep well, all you folks.

-Rich

All mixed up. Don't know what to do.

Drama. Such a petty thing. Yet here I am stuck in the middle of it. What's worse? I am busy making more of it in my own head. If someone tells you to try using the phone, you would be a little bit bothered, right? But not enough to let things get weird. You would probably get right over it and call them whenever you wanted to hang out or just to say Hi. Like I did. Funny thing, though. I did that around 1:30 this afternoon, and still got no reply. On a day when she had nothing to do and wasn't going to make any plans. She told me she needed this day to get things at the house straightened up. Huh. So busy am I.

And Badly Drawn Boy comes up on the playlist now.....damn. 3000 songs to randomly pick, and iTunes picks this one. Sweet. The next one it picked is Scenes from an Italian Restaurant. I must be meant to be thinking tonight. Mission accomplished!

Sometimes you hear a song, and it makes you connect to it via traditional means. What I am getting at is this. If a song talks about having a good job and a wife and a favorite restaurant and you actually have all that...you connect. But sometimes, you connect for a wholly different reason. Because you want all that. Does that make sense? Well, the heck with it. It does to me. And this is all about me. So there.

I have always worried (since it came out) that Adam's Song will end up being me. Not thinking it will happen. But fearing it will, you know? I do that a lot. I have these horid things in my head and I fear they will happen. Not that any part of me ever believes some of them will. You get it.

It appears tonight will be dominated by songs. Again I Go Unnoticed by the Dashboard Confessional. Perfect summary.

Been wondering what tattoo should adorn my back. I feel I have too big of a story in my soul. Too many ideas and broken dreams and hopes for the future. Too many of everything. It's literally overflowing. I have 3 journals now, and this blog. One journal is really something kinda fun, though. A little one my parents gave me. Kind of a neat way to bundle my memories up. So some of them are censored. Some of them are just for them. But this place here, it gets most of the attention. My little tan leather one....it's fallen by the wayside temporarily. The fuzzy blue one, however. That's become my Laura book. I can't wait to see where it goes from here. It feels like Laura and I have already crumbled into dust. And I only filled one page. I am not a hookup. I never hookup. I never find a girl to sleep with. I fall in love too easily for that. I never got a real grip on how to fall in love. I was too busy grasping at any attention growing up. Anyone that paid attention to me, I began to give unconditionally. Until I collapsed from the inside. But I thought I loved that. I have finally begun to find the limits of my giving. I thank everyone who has been there along the way and helped me. You all have. I like where I am headed. And I am learning to live with regrets. And leaving nothing but the truth behind me. Too many little lies got in the way of everything. My life is truly an open book. And some of it is tragically embarrassing. But it is better to be embarrassed in front of a loved one than living in fear. Like I said. I like the life I am living now. And I love where it is headed. Slow and steady into a fog that holds everything I can imagine. It all comes into focus when it is meant to. Life unfolds at its own pace, and I cherish the ability to watch it.

I love the Bangles. I love it in your room at night, you're the only one who gets through to me. In the warm glow of the candlelight I don't know what you're gonna do to me. You gotta love those words.

But alas, I need my sleep so I can be a good little worker bee in the AM. So night to you, children. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

-Rich

The world will never be the same size again.

Dearest diary. Please forgive me. It has been many moons since my last confession, and there have been plenty of sins to confess in that time.

But on a serious note, I am stumped with this dating thing again. Or still. My girlfriend got back from vacation and called me the next day. I went to see her that night at her bar. And I stopped in the next night, too. I left a sweet little note on her truck as I left. Then I see her for a bit last night (didn't see/talk Thursday) and ask her when I will get to see her again. She tells me that her schedule changed and we would have to work it out. And that I should try using the phone. Huh. I guess it's my energy that needs to be poured in. Again, me being a giver. I like her loads. I want to treat her well. but already I feel funky about it. We'll see where it leads. I will call her and make pland tomorrow. I am not looking for another full-time job here. I thought this would be easy. I hoped.

So the lady from LI is still deeply in my life. Heck, she might even be reading this. I don't know where things are with us. I know where I want them. I know what I wanted in the past, too. But these convenient, witty, charming, sweet, honest emails still have less emotion than talking to her. I want to see her. We fill this little space in each other's life. She has always been there for me. The kind of friend I fantasized about. Actually a true friend. I wonder how many of those I really have had. Not many. It feels like not enough. But I love what her and I have, so I had better not stare at that gift horse too long.

We never even really spent that much time together. But every moment still sits in the front of my mental memory book. I still have the parking stub from the garage in New Ro when her and I went to dinner. And she wondered if Ben had followed us. We still remember our roots and laugh about them. Starbucks. I will never forget those times.

So, what are your plans for thanksgiving? I will tell you mine, since me asking was really a crappy way for me to make you all feel terrible for my plight. Yup. Working. Me and 2 of the guys from work decided to work that day, and take a long lunch and have a little turkey-day lunch with just us. The few of us that really have no one here. The couple friends I have here all have family here, so they are there. And my girlfriend? She is in Phoenix with her family. So here I am with my work family. Nothing like turkey day with felons. Warms the cockles of my heart. But seriously, they are two really outstanding men. So it will still be good. I bet I will never forget it.

OK, off to bed and stuff. Actually watching a movie until I fall asleep. Sounds good. Then a big breakfast of chai and a bagel and some fruit. I have been thinking about it all day. So off I go. Night, kids.

-Rich

In this nighttime daydream...

I have long claws. I fold my arms and they hit my forearms as they cross.

This nightdream induced by "love" fallen awry and friendship surprising me...spurred by Penfold's Koonunga Hill Shiraz Cabernet 2002....it all makes pefect sense.

Damn those Aussies and their dreamtime. Damn them for making life so tangible.

AAAAHHHH HHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHH! It makes life so less ordinary.

-Rich