All mixed up. Don't know what to do.
Drama. Such a petty thing. Yet here I am stuck in the middle of it. What's worse? I am busy making more of it in my own head. If someone tells you to try using the phone, you would be a little bit bothered, right? But not enough to let things get weird. You would probably get right over it and call them whenever you wanted to hang out or just to say Hi. Like I did. Funny thing, though. I did that around 1:30 this afternoon, and still got no reply. On a day when she had nothing to do and wasn't going to make any plans. She told me she needed this day to get things at the house straightened up. Huh. So busy am I.
And Badly Drawn Boy comes up on the playlist now.....damn. 3000 songs to randomly pick, and iTunes picks this one. Sweet. The next one it picked is Scenes from an Italian Restaurant. I must be meant to be thinking tonight. Mission accomplished!
Sometimes you hear a song, and it makes you connect to it via traditional means. What I am getting at is this. If a song talks about having a good job and a wife and a favorite restaurant and you actually have all that...you connect. But sometimes, you connect for a wholly different reason. Because you want all that. Does that make sense? Well, the heck with it. It does to me. And this is all about me. So there.
I have always worried (since it came out) that Adam's Song will end up being me. Not thinking it will happen. But fearing it will, you know? I do that a lot. I have these horid things in my head and I fear they will happen. Not that any part of me ever believes some of them will. You get it.
It appears tonight will be dominated by songs. Again I Go Unnoticed by the Dashboard Confessional. Perfect summary.
Been wondering what tattoo should adorn my back. I feel I have too big of a story in my soul. Too many ideas and broken dreams and hopes for the future. Too many of everything. It's literally overflowing. I have 3 journals now, and this blog. One journal is really something kinda fun, though. A little one my parents gave me. Kind of a neat way to bundle my memories up. So some of them are censored. Some of them are just for them. But this place here, it gets most of the attention. My little tan leather one....it's fallen by the wayside temporarily. The fuzzy blue one, however. That's become my Laura book. I can't wait to see where it goes from here. It feels like Laura and I have already crumbled into dust. And I only filled one page. I am not a hookup. I never hookup. I never find a girl to sleep with. I fall in love too easily for that. I never got a real grip on how to fall in love. I was too busy grasping at any attention growing up. Anyone that paid attention to me, I began to give unconditionally. Until I collapsed from the inside. But I thought I loved that. I have finally begun to find the limits of my giving. I thank everyone who has been there along the way and helped me. You all have. I like where I am headed. And I am learning to live with regrets. And leaving nothing but the truth behind me. Too many little lies got in the way of everything. My life is truly an open book. And some of it is tragically embarrassing. But it is better to be embarrassed in front of a loved one than living in fear. Like I said. I like the life I am living now. And I love where it is headed. Slow and steady into a fog that holds everything I can imagine. It all comes into focus when it is meant to. Life unfolds at its own pace, and I cherish the ability to watch it.
I love the Bangles. I love it in your room at night, you're the only one who gets through to me. In the warm glow of the candlelight I don't know what you're gonna do to me. You gotta love those words.
But alas, I need my sleep so I can be a good little worker bee in the AM. So night to you, children. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
-Rich
And Badly Drawn Boy comes up on the playlist now.....damn. 3000 songs to randomly pick, and iTunes picks this one. Sweet. The next one it picked is Scenes from an Italian Restaurant. I must be meant to be thinking tonight. Mission accomplished!
Sometimes you hear a song, and it makes you connect to it via traditional means. What I am getting at is this. If a song talks about having a good job and a wife and a favorite restaurant and you actually have all that...you connect. But sometimes, you connect for a wholly different reason. Because you want all that. Does that make sense? Well, the heck with it. It does to me. And this is all about me. So there.
I have always worried (since it came out) that Adam's Song will end up being me. Not thinking it will happen. But fearing it will, you know? I do that a lot. I have these horid things in my head and I fear they will happen. Not that any part of me ever believes some of them will. You get it.
It appears tonight will be dominated by songs. Again I Go Unnoticed by the Dashboard Confessional. Perfect summary.
Been wondering what tattoo should adorn my back. I feel I have too big of a story in my soul. Too many ideas and broken dreams and hopes for the future. Too many of everything. It's literally overflowing. I have 3 journals now, and this blog. One journal is really something kinda fun, though. A little one my parents gave me. Kind of a neat way to bundle my memories up. So some of them are censored. Some of them are just for them. But this place here, it gets most of the attention. My little tan leather one....it's fallen by the wayside temporarily. The fuzzy blue one, however. That's become my Laura book. I can't wait to see where it goes from here. It feels like Laura and I have already crumbled into dust. And I only filled one page. I am not a hookup. I never hookup. I never find a girl to sleep with. I fall in love too easily for that. I never got a real grip on how to fall in love. I was too busy grasping at any attention growing up. Anyone that paid attention to me, I began to give unconditionally. Until I collapsed from the inside. But I thought I loved that. I have finally begun to find the limits of my giving. I thank everyone who has been there along the way and helped me. You all have. I like where I am headed. And I am learning to live with regrets. And leaving nothing but the truth behind me. Too many little lies got in the way of everything. My life is truly an open book. And some of it is tragically embarrassing. But it is better to be embarrassed in front of a loved one than living in fear. Like I said. I like the life I am living now. And I love where it is headed. Slow and steady into a fog that holds everything I can imagine. It all comes into focus when it is meant to. Life unfolds at its own pace, and I cherish the ability to watch it.
I love the Bangles. I love it in your room at night, you're the only one who gets through to me. In the warm glow of the candlelight I don't know what you're gonna do to me. You gotta love those words.
But alas, I need my sleep so I can be a good little worker bee in the AM. So night to you, children. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
-Rich
posted by Rich at 11/07/2004 09:37:00 PM
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