Interpreting images

So I was napping thonight. Finished a nice little solo meal, and crashed on my bed for a bit, with one of the cats. Aidan, my second-hand lion. I awoke and looked at the window and jumped out of bed. There was a little snake crawling from the bed up onto the window sill. A little (18-20") black and white ringed snake. Well, after I regained some senses, I realized there was no snake. I saw it crawl onto the window sill and out the open window. Here in reality, the window is closed and snakes really don't like second-story living quarters. Weird. Wonder what it means.

So I met a nice couple this weekend through an online forum. He was in town visiting the in-laws and wanted to do some off-roading. We got together Saturday and had a nice breakast, since the weather was nothing but cool and rainy. The trip was put off until Sunday, but I had plans already, so he went with some other "friends" from the forum. He is living my dream. Or one of them. He and his wife own a little company that designs and produces off-road stuff for Cherokees. Most of his friends in the area do the same or similar things. I want that niche. I could do great things. Now I just need to set all the r cla gears in motion. Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I do. I just want that extra something that I can keep my head busy and happy with.

Most nights, to lull myself to sleep, I think about things I can build or design. And for a while now, it has been Jeep stuff. Keeps my head busy until my body decides it's sleeptime. Work has gotten boring lately. That might be a lot of it. Just slow. Really slow. Not much happening for another week or two. So it's all busy work. I can't stand walking around making sure everyone is busy. I want to be productive. Even the guys in my shop feel it. It's nice to be getting the "housekeeping" done, but we all want some real work. Cleaning and building and repairing shop stuff will make the rest of the busier times better, but right now wwe are all antsy. That's all it is. But I am still inspired. I have to follow a dream at some time on my life. I do. I will. I am.

Step One

Open mouth as wide as possible.

Step Two
Place foot in mouth.

Step Three
Savor the moment, jackass.

I stuffed my mouth so full of foot just now. I actually told Beth that I still think about her in "that" way sometimes. Dork. What a dumb move. I opened the door for her to tell me that I need to get over her and stop pining. She actually used that word. Pining. Huh.

That is what makes us human. The ability to know better, and still screw something up. Yup. I firmly believe that.

Night.

Just a quick thought...

Why would I care at all that this nutty ex of mine is going out this weekend with her cousin, Kath (again...deja vu) ? Could it be, that after all I had to walk her through and hold her hand with after the last "outing" I don't want to go there again? Could it be that I know she has no self control and will just get drunk and sleep with some nobody again? Why make your role model out of a girl who has had a couple STD's and 2 abortions in the span of the 17 months she has been sexually active? 2 years ago, she had never kissed anyone, now this is her curent plight? Seems like the wrong crowd to hang out with to me. Thank goodness I know nothing.

But I have been getting sick over it all day since she told me. I still care sbout this wacko. I really do. I don't want her to get in a jam like last time, or worse. And not just because of my own selfish concerns. I just think it's not going to get her anywhere she really wants to be.

OK, that's all. I had to vent to someone. I'm gonna go be sick some more. Night.

Shimmering, warm and bright

The name of a Bel Canto song that I will always cherish for a very sweet reason. It was a song favored by an old flame on her radio show in college.

You know what I realized today while killing brain cells in front of the TV? That I have been out of high school for over 13 years, and I really don't feel like too many things have changed. But then I began to dwell on that sad thought and realized that it's just how I look at things. Things really have changed a lot. And I have adapted. And grown a large amount. I will be proud to go to my next reunion instead of ashamed, which is why I never went to any so far. The college one is next. I need to keep abreast of it and welcome it into my life.

Several years ago, I found myself in a familiar spot...consoling a young lady. She had been in a less than perfect relationship and wanted things to work out. So naturally, I did, too. But the truth was, there was a part of me that was jealous of him, for having her want him so badly. I didn't want them to fail, I just wanted someone like her to feel that way about me. I wanted them to succeed, because that would mean there is a greater deal of hope that I can make something that special work. I have been in such a similar spot many times before. I am always the good friend. I cherish that. I thrive on that placement of myself in others' lives. But I think it helps me to justify the fear that I am going to be alone. I love people. I love all kinds of people. But I think that I am more likely to find myself being that good friend. I am too much of a giver, and want so little that I think it would be a jam for another giver to be in my life. I have never had a giver, except once. And I shat all over that. Well, that is what I have brainwashed myself to believe. I accepted my flaws and moved on and made things better. But she didn't see things quite that way. So, anyway...about myself and a giver...I am tired of takers, and will not accept another one into my life. I basically need a humble giver. Someone who declares their desire to outpour into my life, regardless of the fact that I almost never ask for anything. I see, observe, embrace and cherish that outpouring. I do. As often as humanly possible. I just don't ask for it altogether too much.

Know anyone like that? Other than cloning myself and me pretending I am in college again? I know they are out there. I just think I need to set myself up for the worst, which really isn't bad at all. I have some great friends both close and faraway. And they fill my life nicely.

I want a smart, funny woman, confident in herself and her abilities, but not vain about it. She acknowledges her flaws, if only to herself. She loves her job, struggles and grief included. She has been around the block, whichever block that is. But she has been around some block. She isn't an idiot. She sees the world as a place for her to be. She sees that people can be wildly cruel. And she knows that someone special is very precious, indeed. She cries herself to sleep once in a great while because she is alone. She worries she has lost the "one", but deep inside...she knows she hasn't found the "one" yet. She is friends to more people than are friends to her, simply because of how honest an nurturing she is. She needs someone to help recharge her soul.

Oh, and I think she is a stunning beauty. But I bet most of that is because of all that stuff above. That is one of the many women I believe can make me happier. And I know I could make her happier, too. At least that's the fantasy. Don't wake me...the cats will do that in a few hours.

Love to you all, since anyone who has read this far is deserving of warmth. G'night.

Why do feelings change...

I have an iTunes playlist entitled "Sad". And eveytime I listen to the songs on it, some of them make me sad. Some make me smile. Some anger me. But never all of them reaping the same feelings any 2 times. Why do things change so much. These fickle beings we are. Too easily satisfied.

Aidan walked by and said "Hi" with a forceful head nuzzle. Deposit the requisite amount of fur into my nose and glasses. I love him.

And Kristen IM's me tonight and I was actually around. How I miss that lovely, divine, charming and wise woman in my life. Remind me again why I am still out here, lacking in some true friends' company and great Italian food and the ocean?

Oh, right. because. I got it. Thanks.

So whenever Donnie Darko gets re-released, don't ask me to go with you. I need to go alone. And so do you. There is no reason to hold anyone's hand during it. No reason to make out. No reason to be so scared you need someone's hand. It's a little sobering is all. Shrug off the crutches and ler 'er rip.

OK, I know this one was lame, but I had to get some little ideas out. Thanks fro being there for me. I love you all. Be well.

-Rich