Shimmering, warm and bright
The name of a Bel Canto song that I will always cherish for a very sweet reason. It was a song favored by an old flame on her radio show in college.
You know what I realized today while killing brain cells in front of the TV? That I have been out of high school for over 13 years, and I really don't feel like too many things have changed. But then I began to dwell on that sad thought and realized that it's just how I look at things. Things really have changed a lot. And I have adapted. And grown a large amount. I will be proud to go to my next reunion instead of ashamed, which is why I never went to any so far. The college one is next. I need to keep abreast of it and welcome it into my life.
Several years ago, I found myself in a familiar spot...consoling a young lady. She had been in a less than perfect relationship and wanted things to work out. So naturally, I did, too. But the truth was, there was a part of me that was jealous of him, for having her want him so badly. I didn't want them to fail, I just wanted someone like her to feel that way about me. I wanted them to succeed, because that would mean there is a greater deal of hope that I can make something that special work. I have been in such a similar spot many times before. I am always the good friend. I cherish that. I thrive on that placement of myself in others' lives. But I think it helps me to justify the fear that I am going to be alone. I love people. I love all kinds of people. But I think that I am more likely to find myself being that good friend. I am too much of a giver, and want so little that I think it would be a jam for another giver to be in my life. I have never had a giver, except once. And I shat all over that. Well, that is what I have brainwashed myself to believe. I accepted my flaws and moved on and made things better. But she didn't see things quite that way. So, anyway...about myself and a giver...I am tired of takers, and will not accept another one into my life. I basically need a humble giver. Someone who declares their desire to outpour into my life, regardless of the fact that I almost never ask for anything. I see, observe, embrace and cherish that outpouring. I do. As often as humanly possible. I just don't ask for it altogether too much.
Know anyone like that? Other than cloning myself and me pretending I am in college again? I know they are out there. I just think I need to set myself up for the worst, which really isn't bad at all. I have some great friends both close and faraway. And they fill my life nicely.
I want a smart, funny woman, confident in herself and her abilities, but not vain about it. She acknowledges her flaws, if only to herself. She loves her job, struggles and grief included. She has been around the block, whichever block that is. But she has been around some block. She isn't an idiot. She sees the world as a place for her to be. She sees that people can be wildly cruel. And she knows that someone special is very precious, indeed. She cries herself to sleep once in a great while because she is alone. She worries she has lost the "one", but deep inside...she knows she hasn't found the "one" yet. She is friends to more people than are friends to her, simply because of how honest an nurturing she is. She needs someone to help recharge her soul.
Oh, and I think she is a stunning beauty. But I bet most of that is because of all that stuff above. That is one of the many women I believe can make me happier. And I know I could make her happier, too. At least that's the fantasy. Don't wake me...the cats will do that in a few hours.
Love to you all, since anyone who has read this far is deserving of warmth. G'night.
You know what I realized today while killing brain cells in front of the TV? That I have been out of high school for over 13 years, and I really don't feel like too many things have changed. But then I began to dwell on that sad thought and realized that it's just how I look at things. Things really have changed a lot. And I have adapted. And grown a large amount. I will be proud to go to my next reunion instead of ashamed, which is why I never went to any so far. The college one is next. I need to keep abreast of it and welcome it into my life.
Several years ago, I found myself in a familiar spot...consoling a young lady. She had been in a less than perfect relationship and wanted things to work out. So naturally, I did, too. But the truth was, there was a part of me that was jealous of him, for having her want him so badly. I didn't want them to fail, I just wanted someone like her to feel that way about me. I wanted them to succeed, because that would mean there is a greater deal of hope that I can make something that special work. I have been in such a similar spot many times before. I am always the good friend. I cherish that. I thrive on that placement of myself in others' lives. But I think it helps me to justify the fear that I am going to be alone. I love people. I love all kinds of people. But I think that I am more likely to find myself being that good friend. I am too much of a giver, and want so little that I think it would be a jam for another giver to be in my life. I have never had a giver, except once. And I shat all over that. Well, that is what I have brainwashed myself to believe. I accepted my flaws and moved on and made things better. But she didn't see things quite that way. So, anyway...about myself and a giver...I am tired of takers, and will not accept another one into my life. I basically need a humble giver. Someone who declares their desire to outpour into my life, regardless of the fact that I almost never ask for anything. I see, observe, embrace and cherish that outpouring. I do. As often as humanly possible. I just don't ask for it altogether too much.
Know anyone like that? Other than cloning myself and me pretending I am in college again? I know they are out there. I just think I need to set myself up for the worst, which really isn't bad at all. I have some great friends both close and faraway. And they fill my life nicely.
I want a smart, funny woman, confident in herself and her abilities, but not vain about it. She acknowledges her flaws, if only to herself. She loves her job, struggles and grief included. She has been around the block, whichever block that is. But she has been around some block. She isn't an idiot. She sees the world as a place for her to be. She sees that people can be wildly cruel. And she knows that someone special is very precious, indeed. She cries herself to sleep once in a great while because she is alone. She worries she has lost the "one", but deep inside...she knows she hasn't found the "one" yet. She is friends to more people than are friends to her, simply because of how honest an nurturing she is. She needs someone to help recharge her soul.
Oh, and I think she is a stunning beauty. But I bet most of that is because of all that stuff above. That is one of the many women I believe can make me happier. And I know I could make her happier, too. At least that's the fantasy. Don't wake me...the cats will do that in a few hours.
Love to you all, since anyone who has read this far is deserving of warmth. G'night.
posted by Rich at 7/19/2004 10:42:00 PM
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