Everyone on the planet needs to rent (or buy) Donnie Darko. You might find it mistakenly under "Horror". But you should find it under "Drama", or better yet, "Stunning". But most movie places don't have that last section. Sometimes, a movie hits you in such a way, at such a time in your life...you can't really speak. You simply go back to the beginning and watch it again. And sometimes you cry when you are listening to the song near the end when the movie "begins" again. You'll know the sad, mad song when you hear it. If you don't know it...I am sorry. It might not be your time to understand it. A year ago, I wouldn't have. And tomorrow...it might not hit me like this.

That's all. Just a little drunk banter to round out the night.

Oh wait. I'm sober.

Aaah, home sweet home. A day late, but home at last. I must go be busy unpacking and cleaning and....well...relaxing. Allow me to neatly assemble the longer-than-planned weekend in my head, then I will transfer it into intelligible words for you all to read. Sorry there is not much more to write this time around, but you will understand in a day or two once it all gets written down! Night to the world from all of us here.

Hey everyone! I made it! Enjoying the night at my parents before heading into NYC tomorrow. The folks are filling my belly way too full. I am dozing off rapidly. But I just wanted to give you all a hullo from the East Coast for a change. I am looking forward to this weekend. Lots of old friends are wanting to bump into me. Very warm fuzziness happening all around me!

I must write some about my trip when I have time. There were a lot of coincidences and inspirations to make the Alaska trip happen this summer. And some good airline stories. Stay tuned for future installments! Night to all the folks still stirring! This mouse is done for the night.

A terrific quote that I am fond of (but often forget) was just rekindled in my life. "In order to get from what was to what will be, you must go through what is." Such painfully true words that, looked at in an appropriate manner, can inspire me to trudge on. I must find who said that. It's on a red postcard here in my bedroom somewhere.

OK, I am off to catch this flight of mine in a few. I must say goodbye to the cat and kittens. That could take a while. They have really grown fond of my company in the past 5 weeks. Makes me feel not so lonely at night, which is always a good thing.

To those of you out there curled up under your blankets, reading poetry or philosophy by flashlight maybe, eating sugary little cookies and washing down everything with some yummy, warm chai goodness...enjoy. Mine will be a chai latte. But I know the feeling. That's why I can't forget that quote.

Talk to you all soon. Off to take my chances with the silver surfer in the sky.

OK. This is the last message even mentioning "her". I am done again. Or still. But this time, for real. I read something I clearly shouldn't have. Naughty boy reading things left out on the chair in the living room! But it was there, and I had to! So I did. I can't stand her unfaithfulness. It's horrid. I lied about one little thing that actually had NOTHING to do with US. She has lied from the get-go. And I am not to be bothered with this. She calls me Holier-than-thou. Well, with friends like her, it's hard not to be! I am seeing a shrink, and have always confessed to horrifically low self-esteem. Kind of hard to be Holier than anything if you think everything is better than you. So I don't get it again. But this is it. If anyone wants to hear anything, I will talk. But it is high time I put it behind me.

Someone here told me it sounds like there are still sparks. There are. You are so right, Kissudog. So right. There are a lot of sparks still. The only thing she felt when we broke up (and I know this for a fact) is that she is relieved she would not be getting engaged soon. THAT'S ALL!!!!! Nothing after 2 years. And who is the fake?

OK, done. No more. I promise. And I am now good for all of my words.

I must go pack for the trip tomorrow AM. I will be here all night, so if you feel like it....comment or email me or IM me at (gasp!!!....am I really doing this? ) "TheDogstarman" . Looking forward to everyone's life. And mine!

HELP ME!!!!!

Please tell me that I am not the one who is insane here. I HATE talking about her anymore, but sometimes I must. I mean, she is always right here.

Here goes...we go out to see a movie (completely as friends, don't even think for a second there is anything else). Big Fish, BTW. We enjoy it a bunch. The roads are a wreck from the snow still falling. But, I get us there and back safely. She asks to see a picture of one of these "girls" (and she always says it in a crap way) I have begun hanging out with since she dumped me. Because I will NOT bring them around. No way will they be subject to Insane-E-O. So I show her a picture (semi-nude, mind you) of this girl Penelope. Mostly just her shoulders down, profile, with her right hand over her left arm, covering part of a tattoo on said arm. Well, she says she doesn't believe this is anyone I know and "Look at those nails!" Well, she does pay a lot of attention to her outward appearance. She is really quite hot, and knows it. Good for her. She likes her body and has the money and desire to make it look more stereotypically woman-like. And on this one occasion, especially, she got all dolled up and had kinda-long tips put on (no flashy colors, and they only hung off her finger about 3/8"). I say "What? She really likes to take care of hers..." then I get cut off. "That's not taking care of yourself, that's a hooker." Huh. You just called a friend of mine you don't know a hooker because she had her nails done for a photo shoot. So I explain the whole thing. Especially the part about "taking care" of herself being a drastic understatement. I have used it before (we've been friends for years) and she hasn't called me on it. But tonight, she freaked a little. She told me that it was rude and offensive that I thought someone who didn't have nails like that wasn't taking care of themself. Well, I told her to look at my friends in the past. I went to fucking art school! I dated 3 girls with Dreads! I had dreads! I have dirty nails almost every day from work. Most of the friends I have had have been simple, almost tomboyish girls. And she has the nerve to say that.

A half hour or so later, she comes into my room an sits near me and tells me she is still offended at it. I apologozed. I explained myself. I told her I was done. There was nothing more I could do except try to understand her viewpoint. How can you possibly understand and forgive someone, and still tell them you are currently offended from the forgiven actions? That realistically were never wrong! I don't get it. But I am a sweetheart. So I tell her that she should never go a day thinking that I think SHE doesn't take care of herself. I know she takes very good care. But she will never be OK with her body. She still believes in fairy tales of all kinds. She still believes that an active (she loves to run and bike) woman with a 5'-11" frame will be 130 pounds and maintain it healthily. So she says that I am missing the point, and that it's not about that. So I ask why she got so offended if it wasn't about her? She said nothing, except a few stammering attempts to cover her ass. Then I tell her at least I didn't outright insult her or a friend. She asked when she did that (DUH?!?!?) and then DENIED SAYING THAT!!!!!

OK. I must need drugs. I never had these problems when I was a coke-head. I had better problems. Bigger ones, anyway. Or maybe....hmm....you think it might just be the insane bitch wearing me thin?

OK, later, kids.

OK. Check this site out:

http://MikeRoweSoft.com/

Microsoft (damn, I love Billy G) is actually suing this Canadian guy because the phonetics of his name are the same as their company.

That's all of interest to me today. Just another humdrum day in paradise. Night to you all.

Here's a fun little personality test!

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Here are my results:

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Huh. I love it when things make sense. I hate it when they make me feel cruddy, though. Definitely time for bed.

So she is back. The ex has returned. Already, she has told me that I made her feel like shit. Nice. Home 15 minutes, and she deals me that.

OK. Here's the setup. I gave her flowers a little while before she left. She had been having a rotten day, so I bought her flowers and dropped them off at her work. So she loved having flowers in her room for the next few days. So, I bought her flowers and had them in her vase in her room for when she got home tonight. Nice, right? Yep, I thought so. AND, I gave her the Christmas present I had bought for her when she got home. We decided that Christmas should be postponed, since she was too busy to even get me a gift, much less exchange them before she left. Not too busy to go to clubs and get laid, though. At least I am not bitter. Oh, BTW, she didn't have time in the past month to buy me a gift, either. Nah, no bitterness here.

So she had been telling me how she had fallen off the wagon (her diet) and gotten really fat over her break. Now, that must mean about 5-10 pounds in her paranoid world. So I have been watching what I eat and exercising, and I have shaved off about 12 pounds in the past 6 weeks or so. Down to about 190, which is good. So while we are here, relaxing a bit after she got home, I jokingly say that maybe the weight I lost went to her and my Dad (who has gained a bunch of weight in the past 2-3 months). So she tells me I just made her feel like shit. This, after I tell her that she still looks good (no lie there) and that I couldn't tell that she gained any weight, but I knew that she was bothered by it.

So all in all, maybe I shoulda kept my mouth shut, but it was a joke, and she knew how I felt, and I had done some really nice things for her "homecoming". What shit. Nobody else would have treated me like it. I am done. I thought I would give things a little bit of a chance, cuz she kept telling me how she felt bad for all the mean mistreating ways she had laid upon me. Now I find out that her apologies were simply a moment of clarity in a disturbed ocean. Oh well, me and my wishful thinking.

Otherwise, this so called life (what a great show!) of mine is going well. Work is a pleasant mix of madness and unappreciation, for the most part. I build the world, and no one says a damned thing about it unless something is wrong. And even then, it's usually not the fault of my shop. But I look at is as the rotten way some of this world works. Starbucks actually had some brilliance in it. They made sure criticism was specific, which is nice. Not that the boss coming up to me and telling me that I am doing a great job and handing me a C note isn't great, but what exactly is he talking about? You see the dilemma.

But review time is here once again, and they know that if I don't get $2 more an hour, I will walk down the street and get that $$ from a competitor. Oh well, we should just wait til reviews are over before we start filling our sandbags.

Well, the bed I am sitting on is clawing at me, and I will surrender to it shortly. Maybe after another slice of pizza. But I am going to put this entry to bed. Night all you strangers. And sweet dreams to all my friends.

Again with the movies or music making me think! I was sitting here tonight, feeling all content and shit with my little bachelor lifestyle, right? When in walks this movie. About a Boy with Hugh Grant. Silly little chick flick, right? Yup. But I sat as engrossed, if not more, than when I am idiotically watching The O.C. on Wednesdays. Another pathetic, yet almost unavoidable ritual I have created. But this movie actually had some redeeming parts. Actually, it seemed, a lot. But that is only how I am thinking tonight. I am sitting here letting all these trite little movie-incidents make me think about my own life. And I guess that means they have succeeded with their movie. Will I end up 38 and single and suddenly bump into the realisation that my life has such little importance that I laugh at it? No, I think not. Because I was already there recently.

So on a delightful note, I found out today that someone is paying attention to me. And that is a warm, fuzzy thing. And not "paying attention" as in stalking. Though that would be sure to bring me some twisted joy. But someone kind of on the outskirts of my life. What a sweet and important feeling it is to find that someone is actually listening and not just....oh wait, that's another movie quote....what the hell....waiting for their turn to speak. You know the feeling. Amidst all the clumsy fumblings and awkward first kisses and second dates, there has been someone sitting patiently watching and listening. Nice to find a friend hidden in the underbrush of my social "scene".

You know who you are. Thank you.

So I pick up the ex from the airport tomorrow at 7 something PM. She asked for a ride finally. My life takes a wild detour once again. Should be fodder for this journal, at least. I wonder if I will get Herpes out of this......hmmm.....at least she never fails to be interesting.


I must get some sleep. I like to think of sleep as a "reality fast". I can let all of the above crap go away, and let the sandman plug into my head and take me for a ride. Right on! Night to you all.

Edited my song list. Please check it out. Some fun, special moments are trapped in those songs. So much emotion gets tied up in someone else's words, it's unusual. We all pick songs for certain times, certain people. The best songs are the ones we subconsciously pick for ourselves. The ones that give us goose bumps when we hear them. You know the ones. If you don't you haven't found one. When you do, you will know it. And you will never forget it.

OK. Here are some lyrics or songs that mean the world to me. I will update it and post the "Why's" soon. Enjoy!


"I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me "
Pearl Jam Wish List
Not sure why it is special....maybe it's because I wish I was something different a lot.

"Isn't anyone tryin' to find me? "
Avril Lavigne I'm With You
Come on...don't make me tell you why. Sometimes we all feel this lonely. Any port in a storm.

"I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
& this bottle of beast is taking me home.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone ... you're not discreet."
Dashboard Confessional Screaming Infidelities
Sometimes I miss the ex. This is what we went through recently. Exactly. Still debating if we can be friends.

"Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it"
John Mayer Wonderland
Just sounds so sweet. Fun little song to sing. Too bad I really despise it.

"This year's love, it better last. Heaven knows it's high time. I've been waiting on my own too long. When you hold me like you do, it feels so right..I start to forget how my heart gets torn when that hurt gets thrown. Feeling like I can't go on."
David Gray This Year's Love
Strong connection with the ex. Things started getting serious at the very beginning of 2002. Makes sense.

All of "Laid" by James
Always been in my life as a fun song. Reminds me of a terrific friend, Shaun Faughnan in NYC.

"There is a game I to play. I like to hit the town on Friday night, and stay in bed until Sunday."
Just My Imagination The Cranberries
What this terrific Irish bartender and I used to do. Aaaaah, Irish redheads.

All of "The Love Cats" The Cure
More of the Irish bartender, Adelaide. Affectionately known as Syd (for Sydney, an old nickname). One of her faves.

All of "In a Little While" U2
Same as the last song.

All of "All I Want is You" U2
How can a person with a heart NOT love this song?!?

"If I've gone overboard
Then I'm begging you
to forgive me
in my haste
When I'm holding you so girl
close to me"
Crash into Me Dave
Me triple-ex and I. I really felt this way. Fun to sing, as well.

"I'm so tired, of playing...playing with this bow and arrow. I'm gonna give my heart away. Leave it to the other girls to play."
Portishead Glory Box
Yep, same as the last one.

All of "She's Always a Woman" Billy Joel
Just a terrific song about unconditional, blind love and a great sing.

"Trying hard to fill the emptiness"
Beautiful Christina Aguilera
I won't explain this. There is nothing to write. I've already written too much.

"Then came the day, staring at myself, I turned to questioning.
And wonder do I want the simple, simple life that I once lived.
In a way, oh, things were quiet then.
In a way they were the better days.
But now I am the proudest monke you've ever seen.
Monkey see monkey do, yeah!"
Proudest Monkey Dave
Everyone goes through these times. And a fantastic verse to belt out after a couple Newcastles.

All of "Michael Jordan" Five for Fighting
Mostly just some sweet lines in a kinda senseless song.

"If it would help to give the world back what it gave, then I would. I would for you."
I Would Jane's Addiction
Again, desperate love.

All of "Boss D.J." Sublime
What a cool little ditty. Brad can really come up with some fun songs.

All of "Cowboy Take Me Away" The Dixie Chicks
The ex used to sing this to me. She truly has a Siren's voice.

All of "Downeaster Alexa" Billy Joel
A swell song about passion, something that many have accused me of having too much of. It's true, I do.

All of "Lullabye" Billy Joel
The ex's favorite Billy song. I used to sing it to her.

All of "Always Forever" Donna Lewis
Funny story, actually. Stupid pop song. But if it came on the radio on my way to work, I took it as an omen to not go.

"Earth calling...pilot to co-pilot...look at the life on this planet, sir...no sign of it. All I can see is a bunch of smoke flyin' and I'm so high that I might die if I go by it. Let me out of this place. I'm out of place. I'm in outer space. I just vanished without trace. I'm going to a pretty place now where the flowers grow. I'll be back in an hour or so."
Drug Ballad Eminem
Too funny to imagine. Harkens back to my drug-daze-days in WC with the chickenheads.

"Met a girl. Thought she was grand. Fell in love, found out first hand. Went well for a week or two. Then it all came unglued."
Puddle of Mud She Hates Me
Yep. Too literal. Just substitute "year" for "week".

"I'm gonna fight 'em off. A seven nation army couldn't hold me back."
White Stripes 7 Nation Army
Nothing, really. Just a catchy song and some mildly potent lyrics.

"I don't know what the world may need but I'm sure as hell that it starts with me. And that's a wisdom I have laughed at."
Teen Angst Cracker
Just a peachy-keen song.

All of "Waiting Room" Fugazi
First song I ever heard on the radio that I couldn't find someone else who liked it. "My" first song.

"Promises are s**t. We speak the way we breathe. Stupid f**king words."
Promises Fugazi
Most of their lyrics are good like this. So easy to get.

All of "Sweet and Low" Fugazi
Outstanding instrumental. Reminds me of them at City Gardens with Sara Lyons, standind in the back absorbing it.

"I'm not playing with you... yeah, you. I clean forgot how to play. But you can still come around. In fact, I invite you down. Maybe together we can wipe that smile off our face."
Blueprint Fugazi
Again with the obvious lyrics!

"I'm trying to tell you something about my life. Maybe give me insight betwen black and white. And the best thing you've ever done for me, is to help me take my life less seriously. It's only life, after all."
Closer to Fine Indigo Girls
Thanks, Erin for turning me onto them. Thanks, Maggie making me do what these word say.

All of "Follow the Leader" Korn
The album I listened to when Maggie (the triple-ex) dumped me. Made me feel all warm and angry.

All of "My Name is Mud" Primus
Playing this song so loud in my old house that the mailbox door woud rattle.

All of "Wounded Knee" Primus
Reminds me of Smokin'Joe Piteo in WC. Such a musician.

"Seen plenty of clothes that I like but I won't go anywhere nice for a while. All I want to do is just sit here and write it all down and rest for a while."
The Emperor's New Clothes Sinead O'Connor
Yeah, kinda like right now.

"No longer mad like a horse I'm still wild but not lost from the thing that I've chosen to be."
Three Babies Sinead O'Connor
It just makes sense. And listen to her sing this line!

All of "Peek-a-boo" Siouxsie and the Banshees
College days. What more to say. It popped up a lot of places back then.

"I can't help it if I wasn't born with a cool name like Dickie."
A Little Bit Ugly The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
The inspiration behind my short-lived stint as "Sexy Dickie B". Josie used to call me Dickie. It was fun for a bit.

"Sitting here wishing on the cement floor...just wishing that I had just something you wore."
Cactus The Pixies
Kinda sick, kinda sexy, kinda sweet. It's a portrait of me.

All of "I Would Walk 500 Miles" The Proclaimers
Christina Louise Aabo in upstate NY. Used to sing it to her SO loudly. It's still fun to hear.

"Every time I see your face, you know I softly die."
Softly The Soup Dragons
I used to feel this way about a girl.

All of "Birdhouse in Your Soul" They Might be Giants
College days. And, the ex used to love hearing it. She would make me sing to her.

"How do I get back there to the place where I fell asleep inside you?"
I Want Something Else Third Eye Blind
Again with the sick and sexy.

Any song about 9/11
Home sweet home at the time. Only buried a couple people I knew. I was lucky. I count my blessings almost every day.

"And I find it kinda funny; I find i kinda sad; The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had." &
"Children waiting for the day they feel good."
Mad World ... I like the version sung by Gary Jules
Such terrifically sad words, placed so delicately into the movie Donnie Darko...they give me chills.

Well, it's been a tiny while. Been a bunch of little developments in my life, but nothing worth mentioning.

Except for a good friend's Mom being diagnosed with cancer and being given 2 months to live. So sad. And he is only a few years older than I. Such a sad sad thing. And then a friend tells me that the next time I see him, his Mom will be dead. How morbidly unappropriate?!?!?! He is leaving in a couple days to go to PA to be with her until she dies. Then he will be back here, but he might not stay. And I can't blame him. Just a sad situation that really does its job grounding me and realigning my priorities.

So I am flying back a week from tomorrow AM. Just for the weekend. See some old friends. See an old friend near her birthday. Drink some Magner's. And refresh my memory. Let me see what the old home is like. And why I want to go back so badly.

Been listening to a lot of music and drinking a lot of beer and playing a lot of pool lately. It's a good thing. My liver begs to differ, but I have been SO much worse to it for SO much longer, that it needs to shut up.

Speaking of which...off to see if one of the objects of my desire is working. Maybe I should find out her name.

Sitting at the local bar, that the ex works at...

Talking and drinking Guinness with some friends...

The night is letting itself slow down....

And that damned song comes on the jukebox.

Who plays a slow, sad song on a jukebox in a bar/club downtown on a Friday night at midnight?

In my ex's bar while I am there?

So "Screaming Infidelities" gets played. And I almost weep in front of a fellow ironworker. So sad, and unexpected.

On a night when all I can think of is either Kristen or Valerie or Penelope.

So wild. Night to you all.

If you ever think your life is weird, or bad....think of this person.

Tonight, sitting at the computer, I suddenly heard a loud, droning sound. It turned out to be the car across the street and up the block 2 houses. They guy driving it (if you can call it that) backed out of the driveway and the ass end was sticking out in the road. The car was parked (no brakelights) and the gas pedal must've been mashed to the floor. Within about 40 seconds of seeing this, the catalytic converter's contents began to overheat and dissipate through the exhaust. Being platinum pellets, they combusted and made lots of little backfires as they shot out through the muffler....glowing hot and coming completely across the street. Now, the sudden change in the exhaust tone didn't deter this individual. He kept on at it. And slowly, the entire exhaust system began to glow, until it finally got a nice, bright orange-red. At this point, I dialed 911. As I am giving the (oddly enough) sultry-sounding dispatcher the vital info, the car becomes very bright, and the smoke begins pouring from under the hood. Well, that is the beginning of the entire engine getting a little too toasty for its own good and combusting the engine compartment. All those fine plastics and rubber compunds, slowly reaching their flashpoint. As I hang up, I hear the first siren from the Engine Company literally 2 blocks the other direction. Well, before they get on-scene, flames begin lapping out of the car and bright flaming bits pour onto the pavement. Now, mind you, the driver is still inside. The FD hops out and pulls off a speedlay (1.5" hose line and nozzle...a quick, effective first-offense tool). Within about, oh, 6 seconds the car's visible flames are put out. During this brief exchange, the driver opens his door and sits there, and the firefighters run over and drag out a young man in a ski jacket. The FD conitnues to chock the wheels and pop the hood and saturate the car. After there is no smoke or steam, I wander out onto the porch to eavesdrop. The poor lad said he fell asleep. Maybe. But he was talking (again, if you can call it that) so loud, and in such unclear sentence fragments, that I kinda suspected he was bombed. Well, he attempted to stand up and fell on his face. Then he began telling the FD how he was sitting at home getting drunk and wanted to meet some friends at the bar. Then he passed out at the wheel. But, if you were passed out and awoke to your car in flames and you in the driver seat, wouldn't you try to get out and not just sit there? So, as they are hobbling him to the recently-arrived ambulance, he starts sobbing very loudly. Turns out the latest explanation was that he didn't want to live anymore.

I went inside as the cops showed up, thinking that I am a really screwed up individual sometimes, but I can handle things so much better than some people. Then I feel guilty for thinking about me, and immediately am hit with a wall of sadness that this guy really thought he was better off not alive. Then I feel really good because I realize that I might have very well helped save him. So it's kind of a mess in my head. Mostly, I just feel sad for him.

So if you get to thinking that things are bad, or weird, or too much...they aren't. Just look with better eyes than that.

There is always someone who cares. Always someone to help. Even in a stranger. So just look differently, OK? But best of all, never ever think that way.

OK, I have to go do some research for a friend now. Hopefully that will take my mind off things. Now, if only the apartment didn't smell like burning plastic....

Insane Cain is in my life again. I am retrieving some more of the happiest days of my life. Amen for that. We talked for quite a bit. Have some maybe-plans for one night during my one-weekend-stand. Glad to have some things OK in my life that I had assumed I had ruined. Ok, I had beter go. It has taken WAY too long to write this. The whiskey is making me re-read this 217 times before I post it to find all the wrongdoings in my typing. Nite!

Be forewarned. I am compiling a giant list of song lyrics (mostly) that mean (or have meant) the world to me and will post it here someday soon. And I will explain why, too. Might give you a little consolation if you are all feeling a little crappy. Or might make you look at me differently. Because I am didfferent. So look at me that way.

Soooo, it's been an interesting couple days. Cold, but interesting.

Curious? You should be.

Lots of good happenings here in the Springs. Lots of good times and good talks. And even a couple good talks to NY. So all in all, pretty good. But talking with my shrink has unraveled some of my security, which is part of the magic of head-shrinking. There is no way for me to move too far forward unless I am sure of both my present and past. True. I am sure I want to leave the past behind...and sure that the present will turn into the future. And sure that the present is chiock full of nuts. And potential. But beyond that, I am not sure how sure I am of these things. My past has a lot of open wounds that never healed right. A lot of abuse, going way back and creeping up til right now. In a lot of ways. So I think that is the first order of business, right? But then I get to thinking why I was abused and misused...and should I change that now? Before uncovering all of the great secrets I have hidden or tried to forget? Or should I open up all the doors, let out all the badness, and deal from there? I dunno. Anne Porter (my shrink, whom a friend calls Felicity, as in the TV show) reall didn't help me. I think she actually has faith in me. Faith that I will do a lot of figuring out for myself. Which is good in the long run. But right now? Yikes. It's like I have just dumped a puzzle out in a giant field on a windy, snowy day and need to put it together, but someone took the box top!Sucha giant mess, with the world still spinning out of control around me. Phew. That sounds a lot worse than I feel. But you get the point.

OK, so I am headed back to what I consider deeper roots than where I was raised. headed back to the glorious NY Metro are....Westclecter County, mostly. Well, I AM stopping by at my parents' house in NJ, but a lot of time will be spent visiting an old friend (she's not old....just we have known each other for a while) and some familiar places. Drinking familiar hard cider that you CANNOT find out here. Aaaha, Magner's. And hopefully getting together with (No, not sex!) another old friend (same thing as beore), Shawn Patrick Faughnan. Nice, Irish name. Outstanding guy. And probably stop by his new job. I would say where itis, but it has become WAY too trendy to mention the acronym. He puts people before himself. That's all I will say. Another reason I love him. To him, I was Richie, and all of us guys lost our usual names. No one ever called me Richie before the Irish in my life. Shawn is Shawie. Ron is Ronnie. Doug is Dougie. You get the point. And thae ladies? Well, they are called by the most proper of names and treated like gold to us. I used to always say goodbye to my bartender by huggung her, taking her hand, and kissing it goodnight. She became more important to me than any lover for a point in my life. That's a long, long story with no sex for another day.

So, just a short trip. But if I know the parties involved, it will be intense!

Huh. The cat sleeping on my monitor (Biscuit...a 7 month old blue-point colored female) just fell off my monitor and looked around like she didn't know where she was. Then put her head down and went back to sleep! That is why I love cats so much. I love dogs, too. But that is a recently acquired passion, and there is no room here for a dog.

She is so cute...here is a site with an OK picture of a cat like her...the one on the left:

http://www.tonkinesebreedassociation.org/BluePoint.htm

OK. I have to go tend to the inner workings of my home. Catch you all later!

Tell me now, and keep a straight face while saying it, that you would not feel tremendoudly special if someone said this to you:

Something about the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

That's a sweet little paragraph. If someone said that to me, or even felt it, I would melt into a thousand little puddles of joy. Night all!

Have you ever been alone at home, cleaning or doing something busy and kinda fun....listening to music....when a song comes on and before you know it, you have stopped doing whatever and are now standing there crying like a baby, singing along, feeling so sad that it feels like all your ribs have broken?

If you haven't heard (and I mean heard, as in listened to the lyrics or read them while listening to the song) Dashboard Confessionals doing Screaming Infidelities, do it now. It's a song that I knew the melody to for a couple years now, but never really heard the song. Heard it like I described.

Happy New Year.