There's no love....

like dead love. Eeesh. Someone's getting all weird.

-Rich

the email...

So, I sent myself that email. It was bittersweet. The subject was about being glad that I had gotten my ducks in a row. The body mentioned being happy that Beth and I had stuck it out. Glad I put behind all the things that held me back.

Well, the last 2 things are a contradiction. I have those ducks in a row, for sure. Beth and I (against my friends' recommendations) weathered the breakup and remained friends. Until recently. But, she was so much a part of what had held me back. Since we are no longer friends, I catch myself missing her for a moment. Then I play out what would happen with her if we had talked, and I don't miss it at all. I rejoice. Such sweet sorrow. It's true. Except for the sorow part. I guess I have finally relinquished her to the void. Aaaah.

Some people from NAXJA have been steered here, and I am sure they are pondering all things in existence right now. I have even been emailed that someone is more than a little freaked out. Well, let me read your diary! I am sure I Would be alittle freaked out. The shit thing is, most people aren't equipped to deal with reality. It's too odd. "When the going gets weird, the werid go pro." Who said that?

So to all of you who are in that predicament, a few things spring to mind. Don't get out fo the boat if you can't swim with the big fish. And...Pass me the bug spray, so I can spray your feet so the ants don't crawl up and bite you on your candy ass.

Smeg off. I write becaue I like to. Read for the same reason. If this ain't it, find something that is. But don't rag on me because you can't deal with my writing. Sheesh, amateurs.

-Rich

Phew!

It's like this huge weight has disappeared from my shoulders. And I thank my lucky stars for that. Had a great time today...got some FINE gifts, gave some to those I love and had some fun with friends. Hmmm....is there more to a Christmas? Nah.

I sent myself an email from FutureMe.org a few years ago, in September. I guess it was right after Beth and I broke up. Well, I had it delivered today. What a surprise! I totally forgot about it. It was the last piece in the puzzle of my life, for right now. It's like I gave myself a little kick in the butt. I like where my life is, and I love where it is going. I look back and it seems like I have been more than a bit melancholy. Why? I have no idea. Just a passing phase. Glad to have snapped out of it.

Well, I am off to do some boring home stuff. Maybe catch some TV. Maybe read some. Probably delve into the Jeep mags and sketch up some things for the XJ. No matter what, it'll be time well-spent. It's a gorgeous night, so maybe a little jog is in the cards. Well, it appears there is a lot to do. Gonna meet up with a friend tomorrow and work on her Jeep. I love paid days off! Talk to you all soon!

-Rich

And so this is Christmas...

So, I have a little free time...trying to stay plugged in to 2 forums right now, but I have time for a post.

Got the crummy little budget boost on the XJ the other day. Once the Spring comes, on goes a nice set of Wrangler MT/R's. And maybe a 3.5-4" lift. We'll see how good tax season is. I should save my pennies for the buggy, though. If I am going to buy that STaK, I need all the coin I can find. Here's the new Jeep now:



She's looking better that she was in the beginning. Damn 27" street tires. THPT! OK. I gotta go get some food in my gut before I hit some trails. Happy Holidays and be safe.

-Rich

Oh, the pressure.

It's like having sex, after a long hiatus. This blogging. It's been a while, and now the pressure is on to somehow justify the lag in this activity. The only thing worse than a bad blog entry at this poing would be one that merely talked about the headspace involved in coming up with a blog. This sucks, doesn't it?

So I guess I will fill this entry with actual events.

First, the big company Christmas Party. First, thanks to the ownership for calling it that. It takes a certain amount of nuts. It's not a Holiday Party, or a Seasonal Party, or some other lame-ass shit. After all, we don't get off of work on Friday and Monday for any other damn Holiday. So thank you. Now, the real issue. So, we were all invited to bring someone...special. While I searched the local home for the mentally disabled, it struck me that maybe the boss meant something other than "special like the short bus". So I asked my girlfriend. She really didn't know what to say. Well, maybe she couldn't say anything at all. See, no vocal chords. No, she's not biologically deformed. She's inflatable. So, basically, she was out of the question. I mean, come on...I drop my fork just once, and the date might be over when it stabs her cute little polyethylene foot. So, I decided to go stag. What a great term. Like it's something majestic or powerful! I wish I was one of those guys that derived joy out of that certain special aloneness. Not I.

And I am not to the point of desperation that I would ask any old (or young) floozy in my life to go with me. Not the ex (shudder to think), not a "friend" from the bar (seriously now), and certainly not some stranger. My social life really does boil down to work, home or a bar. Sweeeeet. See how well it is working for me? Haven't been laid in how long? More importantly, haven't met someone even remotely special. Or have I?

Well, maybe I have. Looking back, there were a couple stumbles in my past. A couple legitimate maybes that I left behind. Jesse, to name one. I should have done something about it. I liked her. Maybe I still do. The few times we hung out, we had fun. She noticed me. Remembered me. Knew when I got my hair cut. Knew when I got new glasses. Huh. Looking back, WTF?

Maybe that is part of the problem. I have had such terrifible things in my life (not like all of you haven't), that I really do feel like I deserve to be down in the dumps. At least I am below the radar, and stay out of other people's pity-dome.

Like Thanksgiving...you know what I did for it? I sat at home, and ate a delicious Hungry Man turkey dinner. Funnier than that? A friend of mine did the same thing. While his wife was working and he was watching their daughter. At least he had his daughter. It's seriously the one ray of light in Tim's life. He hates his marriage. He does. But he loves his wife. It's such a bad spot to be in. I don't envy him.

My spot, at least I have a lot of room to go up from here. And that has helped me not be so damned sullen. Is it possible for a person to be sullen? I guess so. But, I feel like the time will come. It just needs to play out. I don't see myself dying all old and alone. I don't see myself dying. I see myself having too many other things going on between now and then, that I can't see past all the future memories I have yet to create. Wow, someone should make a movie about this.

So that's that. I am going to wallow in the misery that more of my crap-TV that I have gotten used to watching has been replaced with some seasonal schlock. It happens, right? SO there I go. Maybe I will drink some more water and get some exercise in tonight before I hit the hay. Sounds like a plan. Nite, kids.

-Rich

Oh, one last thing...

Someone likes the Dandy's. Hmm....Someone has great taste in music. Now if she could only find me a new copy of Steve Reynolds "Exile" CD. I hate giving Amazon money for something that should be available locally...

Song quote "It's dog eat dog. Ha ha! I'm taking a walk on the yellow brick road. I only walk where the bricks are made of gold. My mind and body, they're the only things I've sold." Let's go for one more drink.

-Rich

Planned schizophrenia.

That's what one part of my life is feeling like. It's like playing chess against yourself. Soemtimes, you have to vent, I guess. It's good, because looking back on things, I get a better view. That whole hindsight cliche. So this might actually help me out. It's not real fun yet. Maybe it never will be. But at least it keeps the noodle twisting. Nite again.

-Rich

When you know

There comes a time when you realize that the person you are with is amazingly special. Something happens when you, perhaps suddenly, find out that there is someone in your life worth more than you dreamed. You might not notice it, but if you have your wits and sensibilities about you, you do. The moment you lie down in bed with someone, it's a silent (usually) pact. I don't mean sex. I just mean, when you finally decide to welcome someone into your bed. Your most private of times. Some of our most intimate and embarassing things have happened there. Wetting the bed, crying yourself to sleep, abuse, wet dreams, masturbating, nightmares, well the list goes on. But regardless of whether or not it all happened in the same bed (yikes!), it's something you carry with you and instill into each new mattress. If you agree to lie there with someone, you two are immediately and immensely close. You ever stop to think about that?

An old girlfriend of mine, Maggie, was an artist. Still is, from what I can tell. She had a hangup with beds in her work. I know something major happened to her in bed, but we never got that opened up. I know she began seeing a shrink. And I hope she found resolve. It wasn't until years after we broke up that I realized, we both had beds in our art. I sometimes wonder why it didn't work. If there was ever one person that almost understood me, it was her. One person that almost loved me completely, it was her. I know I will see her one day again. Not sure where, but I know I will. I hope she found the right person for her. And that evil part of me hopes I found mine by the time I see her!

See, sometimes my thoughts actually are worth writing down. It doesn't often come around that I get the chance for self-validation, so I must seize it. Hooray for me.

Nite to you all. Off to do some more reading and perhaps writing.

-Rich

It's December already?

So it is. That means the dreaded Holidays are in full swing. maybe that's why it's ass-biting cold outside and we're covered in 3 inches of snow. I really ned to make better use of my indoor time. I got sucked into some truly shitty TV today. Granted, I did some home-y stuff. All the boring crap...dishes, laundry, you know. But betwixt the "fun" was Hallmark channel movies. Ugh. Someone should have shot me. I should have caught myself. Dork.

So I was going to go away this weekend to Canon City and check out the recently-closed-deal of my parents' new land/home. That's right, folks. My parents will be moving into this state next year on 40-some acres with a swank little manufactured home already on it. Until their dream house is built. Then they willl gut it and light it ablaze in a tribute to Burning Man. Well, it's all true except the last bit. But it sounds good, right? Anyway, the weather was a mess, and I figured I should wait til next weekend. So my weekend was spent being lazy and getting a little tipsy. Which was fun, do not get me wrong. But I wish I was doing better things. Like sitting in front of a monitor typing this Blog listening to some old Pink Floyd. Yeah, that's highly productive and spiritually enriching! But, in any event, I am going to leave you for the night. Time to go make dinner, lift some weights and watch a little more brain-rotting TV. Not really in that order. Well, maybe. We'll see. I really need to write more creatively. This shit is boring. Ugh. OK. That's something to ponder. Maybe I'll go through some old writing and get inspired. Nite!

-Rich