Definition of the word "Myth"

1 a : a usually traditional story of ostensibly historical events that serves to unfold part of the world view of a people or explain a practice, belief, or natural phenomenon b : PARABLE, ALLEGORY
2 a : a popular belief or tradition that has grown up around something or someone; especially : one embodying the ideals and institutions of a society or segment of society b : an unfounded or false notion
3 : a person or thing having only an imaginary or unverifiable existence

I spent some time thinking about this today, and I have a head full of notions and anecdotes about it, but God might be a myth. I don't want to trivialize this or be mocked because someone else somewhere has this argument already under way, so I will leave this set of words alone for now.

-Rich

The night

And as the sky
becomes lightless
the drops of joy come faster now.
Every blink of my eyes
takes just a moment longer.
My breath ... more regular.
My teeth ... no longer clenched.
My heart ... emerges.


The night gives me time to not only reflect, but to imagine. It's all well and good to take a moment or 42 out of the day and reflect upon things, but the golden slice of life exists in those that have the ability and willpower to let their imagination shine. Sometimes I spend the night running...either at the track down the street or at the Garden of the Gods. Some nights, I actually watch some TV...usually nothing in particular: There really isn't much worth watching. Some nights I do nothing...I sit here and vegetate. Some nights, I am lucky enough to be reading a book...sometimes for my silly book club. But the nights I hold dear are when I am doing one of two things...writing or scheming of ways to include art in my day.

Some things have changed in my life lately, and while I can attribute some of them to the presence of some new (or old) people in my life, some of the changes are genuinely all mine. I have been inspired to reinclude some old friends, and that has brought a joy that I cannot even begin to explain. These are all wonderful people, full of nothing but love and chicken soup. But another little joy comes from getting over someone. I know, I know...Beth was nothing I should have spent much time with. But I did. For who I was, when I was that person, she and I fit. Some things have happened over the past month or two that really make it abundantly clear that she is gone from my heart.

I used to skip over songs that reminded me of her. I used to not go and run the Garden of the Gods, or hike the Incline. I used to avoid places where I feared I would run into her. A friend told me recently that I should, and I quote, "Fuck it. It's her damned fault. Do what you want." Right. That might've been the kick in my pants that I needed to get over it. Her. I can listen to anything. Go anywhere. Exercise when and where I feel like it. Drink where I feel like it. I just regret one thing...that it actually took this damn long to ride the wave out. Well, here I am. Better late than never.

One of my buddies, Jon, I have already mentioned. He and his wife have this dream that they are running. I couldn't be more proud. But not proud in the "Look what I enabled him to do" way. Proud in the "It's a blessing to know him" way. He graduated Alfred in '96, one year after I. At the end of our Senior year, the Art School people were required to hold a Senior Show in which they showcased selected pieces (some new, some old) of art in each of their fields of concentration. Jon's show was one of those that you never forget. One of those that creates a little world around it. His show was steeped so much in his soul. He is a powerful man, in every sense of the word I have ever found. And now, this is the path he is on:

http://www.simplesyrup.com/

Part of me saw myself headed that way, but somewhere along the way I got derailed. I like where I am and what little faith I have manifests itself in the comfort that I am in the right place for me.

Well, that's enough for now. Small doses. I wouldn't want you to OD on RB, would I?

-Rich

Going through some old writing...

The following is an excerpt from an 11-page document I wrote several years back. March 7, 2002 at 6:12 PM, to be exact. Computers are handy for things like that.

"Life boils down to a few choice phrases. I am not sure if these are all of them, but these are a few I have isolated. Just imagine for a moment...

1) The knee-jerk reaction of “Hi there! How’ve you been?”. Often found at my work, greeting customers. Also found on the phone when talking to someone you might only talk to once a year. And hurled incessantly back and forth when one sees their family members. Oftentimes, it gets cloaked or reworded into something like “’Sup?” or “Hey, baby! I missed you.” and just as often it is followed up by a slew of meaningless banter about someone’s kids or their new Audi or the weather or their hemorrhoid. It almost always rolls back to the medical world.

2) The customary “Goodbye!” has a thousand shape shifter phrases you can substitute it with. None of them meaning more than the thud of closing a large hardcover book in the sanctity of your own home. It means things are finished. How many times have you gotten hung up on by someone who meant no offense? They simply don’t understand the importance of a “Goodbye”.

3) The definitive moments in our lives when we mutter certain phrases ... usually out loud. Though we won’t admit it. Things like “That’s the last time I do that. I mean it this time.” and “I will ask for what I deserve. Next time I see that person.”. Inspirational mottos we toss around that might have been plucked from our beaten-down subconscious. A mind frame that was based on inspirational posters at the dentist’s office and in our classrooms. Empowering.

4) And the times in our existence when we actually ask for something. Almost always from another person. But sometimes from that thing that most of us believe in, yet never see ... God. Some of us swear he talks to us. I bet a large portion of those folks merely say that so their lonely voices in the night don’t seem so lonely. We ask for money. Sex. A new home theater. Lower taxes. Healthy kids. You get the point. Things we almost never have control over. Asking for something is a way to verbally hope for something. Denial is a response that can cleanly serve to demolish hope. Denial is bad.

I think if we all tried to prune away those 4 basic elements of speech ... we would be left mostly silent. There is a popular thought that I first read about in a Douglas Adams book that goes a little like this: “If a person is silent for too long, they actually begin to think. That is why humans talk so much.”


Food for thought. I bet if I keep reading, I will find more of it. But there's your installment for now.

-Rich

Whodunnit?

"If there be rags enough he will know her name
And be well pleased remembering it"

and

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”


Two different writers. That's your only hint.

About last night:

Stealthily, we plotted an adventure. Using our super-secret wireless trasceivers we added details to our plan. The time was the first thing decided on...so many factors had to be considered. The next item on our list was our first stop...where to get out supplies for the mission. After that had been declared, it was on to our pre-determined location. Afterwards, well we left that open. We weren't sure how we would be feeling after this recon. And we managed to do all this in seemingly unnoticed glory.

So Jen and I wanted to catch the Leibovitz show at the Fine Arts Center Modern here in town. And we did. But we decided to get some vittles first, in the form of lasagna (for her) and manicotti (for myself), washed down with the finest house cab sauv. The venue? Paravicini's. The meal? Delightful. On the way towards the show, we decided to park at her house and walk up to the FAC. We strolled right by our usual haunt...half expecting one of the (ir)regulars to pounce on us and malign us in some way. But we managed to get by unscathed. And on to the show, which included some amazing photos. Most notably, for me, was one of Mr. Cash, one of Mr. Waits and one of a straight stretch of asphalt. Afterwards, we sauntered into the Jazz Bistro and had some more wine. In a moment of joy, Jen piped up and said she was ready to drink something out of a can. So off to another little place that will remain unnamed. It is a sacred place...a place where we can find refuge from the Hellenistic theatrics that are ever-present at our regular pub. So we stayed there for a few drinks and a round of sweet, fruity shots. After a brief stop at our usual pub, I walked her home and got my own ass home to my bed.

This is fun, depicting this story in this way.

Some details.

While at work, Jen texted me and told me that she was feeling like dressing up a bit. So, standing there in my Boss's office, listening to him talk to me about the direction he wants to go with the company, I flip open my phone and read the message. Well, I smiled. I don't get to get dressed up much, except for weddings or funerals. So I smiled. I could see the perplexed look on his face, but he kept talking.

We were walking back to her place, chatting it up, and she turned and I missed it. I walked right into her, knocking the glasses off my face! And the right lens popped out. What a jackass. I love it.

"Love is the negative space between common decency and affection." Not only was I able to read the writing, I almost remembered it without looking. I really do like that line.

There was a lot of good stuff that night. And the drama content was nil. Exactly what people need sometimes.

OK, that's all about that. I have a lot on my mind today, so I am sure there will be more blog entries....

-Rich

Some fun, for a change...

I am taking suggestions, as a representative for the Pumkpin Fund Committee. OK, you want some background?

At the pub I go to regularly, there are a few regulars that I have mentioned. One of them is Jen. She took on the glorious task of recounting an event that happened at her job. A young lady that worked there licked her own nipple. It sounded like something not only erotic, but fun, to watch. So, we decided that we would begin filling the small ceramic pumpkin at the bar with $1 each, per night that we were both there. Well, by the time St Pat's rolled around....we had additional members and enough money to manifest our dream.

Now the problem. We have $22 and change in the fund again and we refuse to ask the same task again. We need a new task. It need not be erotic. It just needs to be something you would do for a little money. It's not a lot, but it is something. A few beers and a tip, or more. Biff and I have announced that we have the power to choose the task.And we have some ideas, but I am taking it upon myself to ask for ideas. So, come on, all you creative professionals...help us out.

And going back a while now, to my High School days. I used to sit and listne to the local college staion, 91.9 FM out of Centenary College. While tuning in, I would tape songs that I liked. One of them had lyrics that I liked, but until recently, I had no sensibility to look up the lyrics. So here they are:


Well, there’s all kinds of cities that I rambIe around
But, New York,. New York, now there’s a helluva town .
You know it ain’t no lie and it ain’t no guff
They got five big boroughs chock full of stuff

They got skyscrapers, subways and a sea of humanity.
Museums, libraries, culture galore
They got cable T.V. How could you ask for more?
And if reality is your cup of meat
They got Forty-Second Street

Take a stroll downtown and run the gauntlet
Well, the mayor is a mayor called the Mayor Abe Beame
And they dreamed up this here Big Mac scheme
Well, that big scheme kinda petered out
And President Ford had to bail them out

I don’t think his heart was in it though
If you like action, come to N.Y.C.
They got murder and rape and robbery
They got all kinds of violence can happen to you
They got broken glass and dog doo-doo
A Saturday Night Special every night of the week

They got bars in New York that never close
And bars where the people take off their clothes
And bars where the young folks dance all night
And bars where a fella can pick a fight
If you want to you can spend the night, behind bars

Weil, like I said before, you know I ramble around
And meet a whole lotta people out there that put New York down
‘Course half them people ain’t never been there
So some of that criticism just ain’t fair

Sure, I know New York is dirty and ugly and fulla cockroaches and
Gonorrhea and rats and junkies, hookers, rude cab drivers, bad air
And bad vibes and unemployment and they don’t pick up the garbage.
Ah, but it’s not boring.


Naturally, I like the song more now that I know all of the words AND that I spent some good time in NYC. Just thought I would share. Nite, again.

-Rich

It's purely ponderous...

The stuff that we, as people, do to each other. I just don't get it.

Playing right now? Fugazi Reclamation

I guess I should explain the beginning of this entry. I don't know if I really want to. But I'll outline it in a vague way so that no one really knows what the heck I am trying to say.

People hurt everyone, including themselves. And the art of friendship is an exercise in balancing pain. Actually, to quote Sam Keith's work, "Life is pain management". Major bonus points if you can tell me where I got that. And sure, you can go look it up. Why change things now? So, there are some people in my life that are taking time out of their busy day to malign me. And, since I am such a follower, I am also expending time and energy in hurting me, too. I don't know if this would be considered sulking. Well, sulking means "to be moodily silent", according to Merriam Webster. Whatever the hell that means. I am here writing, so I guess not. Anyway, I have been wondering for a long time...exactly why I should be in a relationship. There are a couple ladies out there interested in me, which is infinitely cool. But I am not sure how interested I am in any one person right now. There is an ex that I can't get out of my mind, and she keeps bumping into my life somehow, every few months. That's not reason enough for me to try to rekindle anything. And I have no plans to, but it sticks in my head that maybe this is a sign. If it is, I am intentionally disregarding it. I think I needed to write (say) that in order to make it a reality. Now, there is also another available woman that I have been interested in for a while. But it's one of those things where I know nothing will happen. Mostly because I'm afraid. Well, that and the fact that I am in the position I am right now...happily alone. Well, not so much happy as not unhappy. Right. I am "not unhappily alone".

If I had a biological clock, I bet it would be ticking loudly. Especially since almost all of my friends are married. I know I'm not a total ass. I know I have heaps of flaws..but c'mon. Maybe this is all a self-esteem issue.

So there is a lot of pain going around lately. People breaking up or divorcing. People suffering through a relationship with the wrong person. People landing their asses in jail. People getting fired or not getting hired for jobs they should be getting. And here I am doing nothing but thinking about how miserable my life COULD be. Well, I should be grateful, and to some extent I am. But then there's the part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Every time I watch a West Wing episode, I get all unsettled watching Josh Lyman. A big part of me wishes I had something like his situation...he puts so much time and energy into being good at his job that there is legitimately no place for love. My excuse is that it really isn't that important to me. But I haven't figured out why.

So, if you can't tell, work absolutely sucked today. My job wears me down. I have a pretty important job in this company, and the people I "command" respect me, for sure. I do a good job. I don't get paid enough, but then again I doubt you'll find anyone that thinks they do. I have been struggling with staffing for a while. And the boss doesn't want to hire anyone. Well, we are steaming along nicely into a large workload and we are about to be fucked. Mike is our lead estimator...he's the one that makes and places the bids that get us our work. And then it's up to me to get the whole thing going, all the way down to brass tacks at the very end of the job. Well, we have a $900K job that we have started fabbing on already, and it is due to begin erection on June 5. It should take us 5-7 months to finish this one job with our crane/operator and 5 guys out there. We have 7. So there is one leftover, which we can definitely use for labor somewhere at the job. Then, we have a $770K job starting in 6 weeks. That will take exactly the same labor to erect. Well, the boss wants us to hire an outside erector which will doubtlessly KILL any profit on the job. So, that's part of my stress. I have been trying to get the boss to see the labor shortfall for 3 months now. And without definite start dates, he wouldn't hire anyone. Well, we now have them and it is gonna be too late. Which also ruins the progress on our Work Orders that the 3 sales guys in my office produce. We have no one available to complete these jobs. The boss is just now seeing this. So, today he gave the OK to hire 2 guys. Great. So the little jobs get help and the big ones get fucked. I know, I shouldn't concern my self with things I cannot change. But when the General Contractor needs to come down on someone because one of our jobs isn't going as planned, it's my ass every time. Regardless if we are erecting it or not...we assume the liability.

It's just tough and stressful. Like tonight...I had no time in my 6-4:30 day to finish drawing some railings for a job we have. So, it sitting here and I have to work on it tonight and get it fabbed and installed tomorrow. That's not a normal day, but it's not uncommon. And all the boss sees is that I am not getting my work done. Regardless if I tell him that I am overloaded. What do I do...let things slip? Right, and deal with the GC on my ass about it? I don't think so. And it gets compounded by the sales guys all sucking the boss' dick. They are so far in his pants that they could tell him anything and he would believe it. And I can't be there to defend myself, because I am out trying to get jobs done. Get it yet? Work sucks.

But enough about me. I have been neglecting emails for a week or so. So I need to go address them. I have some friends that have been contacting me and I have not been a good friend back. It's been hectic, but it's more about paralyzing stress than pure lack of time. So, I better go be a friend. I like how that feels. Nite, kids.

-Rich

The post that SHOULD have been last night...

I give up. I know I said I would try this blogging shit on a regular basis. Well, except for work and bodily functions, there is nothing regular about me. I sleep at random intervals at random "bedtimes". I eat anything and everything, and I exercise when I feel like it. I listen all kinds of damn music and TV sucks entirely, so you never can tell what I might watch. I call my friends back whenever the hell I feel like it, which boils down to "not often enough". Sometimes I answer the phone, sometimes not. There are about 4 people on this planet that I will not ignore, and I actually would like to expand that list, but the truth is that I don't know if I can or want to. Sometimes, I like to keep my life small. I don't bring my cell phone everywhere, and that pisses off some people in my life. If I am at home, enjoying my solitude, I might not answer the door, even. So fucking what? I thought it was my life and I had every right to include anyone at any old time. I don't expect all of my friends to answer all of my calls, or even return them! And that's not because I have "ignored" their attempts. It just is the way it is.

So if this pisses some of you off, I am not sorry. This is one of those times when you either like me for who I am or not at all. I will not go and change to satisfy you. And if there is one person out there feeling all crappy now, chill out. This is directed towards several (and actually ALL) people in my life. I am not the type to split hairs. I would come out and say it. Example: Beth, you suck and I hope your life crawls to a slow death and the people you try to love, reject you like I was rejected by you. See? I have no problem getting in touch with my feelings and declaring to whom they are focused. Am I gonna stew over her? Nope. That's how I have felt for months. I don't brood...I don't plan attacks or imagine phone calls or letters. That is just how I feel and it is an anchored feeling, not likely to develop further or go away.

In other news, I visited Canon City most of this past weekend. My folks live there now, and it's about an hour away, which is the perfect distance. I love them dearly, and they are 2 of the people I will never ignore. I came home Saturday afternoon to be in attendance of the holy union of two of my "friends". Truth be told, I know the guy only a very small amount, and even that is from the pub and nowhere else. But it was still...well...it was a wedding. So I was there, at the request of the minister ( a divorce lawyer...appropos) and another bar-friend. The initial plan was to go to the wedding with the bar friend and attend the reception with his girlfriend, further perpetuating the "rumor" (which was initiated by the minister, another bar "friend") that the young lady and I are fucking. Well, we haven't and have no plans to. In her words, "I'm not going to be sleeping with you anytime soon." Right. Well, this is abundantly clear to almost everyone. But it is so fun screwing with our minister-friend's head. But alas, I was at the reception sans-the-other-guy's-GF. And it was a cash bar. With no champagne. Just some sham friends and some real pain. So a bunch of us left and had a drink at the local martini bar. Which I left from to go meet the female I was supposed to accompany to the reception. Long story short, it was another fun night of drinking, as is always the case with this person. See? There are a few of us at the pub with our minds set on good times. It's always good when we get together. No matter where it is. And this occasion was at a swank place afffectionately known by those in the know as the Tricky Nipple. Where some truly good bartenders are gainfully employed. And the crowd is a bit younger. A bit edgier than my regular dive.

So, a good time it was. Then, after a night of sleep (yes sleep...no sex) in my own bed, I went back to Canon. I know, I know...I shoulda had sex. But the only pussy in my bed that night was a little woman named Biscuit, and 4 legs and fur is not my idea of a good roll in the proverbial hay. Besides, I needed my sleep. Biscuit would have held a grudge, too. I can see it in her.

On the stereo right now? Radiohead. I don't usually mention that, but what the hell...I'm feeling frisky.

So while in Canon on Friday night, I had a dream about an ex, Christina. The only ex that I never had sex with. I think I might have loved her for a little while. I won't even ponder the question of what love is and how I would know if I was in it. That is far too pedestrian. Rather, I will ponder why I can't remember more of the dream. Equally as unanswerable but of more importance to me.

Someone told me a couple times recently that she feels she has no time to be a girlfriend. I know, there's a small degree of bullshit to that, but not really. Hang on, listen. I don't feel like I have time to be a boyfriend. I don't. I have filled my life with a lot of other things. Some of them amount only to chilling the fuck out while listening to music or reading. A woman in my life would dissolve that. I mean, of course a relationship disturbs things. I know that. I'm not a juvenile. My heart has been trampled more than once. But right here, right now, I have no time. I don't want a girlfriend. I wrestled with this for a while, especially under the pressure from my parents:"Don't you want a wife and kids?" All that stuff. I have discussed this here prior, so I will not again. I don't really feel comfortable with who I am right now. I need art. Every time I see it...it hurts. I have started taking photos again, and that is enriching. But I wanna build shit that looms over me and embodies my feelings. I guess if I had a huge love in my life, I might be inspired. It's not that I am waiting for love. I'm not. I have a lot of faith that I will die single. I don't know it...but it doesn't scare me at all. I know some people in my life care deeply. And that means more to me than anything else. Some people count on me for realistic things, like comfort and laughter and intellect. I like providing those things. They are the same things that draw me to others. Opposites attract? Horse pocky. Everything attracts. If you start to look for something, you will see it everywhere (movie reference: Pi).

OK. I am signing off now. There is more relaxing stuff to do. Nite kids.

-Rich

The Hell with it.

Fuck this. People suck. I know I have said it before to some of you, but they do. Fuck it. And this blog. All wasted time and energy.

I think I found part of my problem

And I have Jo Dee Messina to thank for it. My give-a-damn's busted, too. Yup, that sounds about right, a lot of the time.

Anyway, Happy Easter everyone!

-Rich