Lots of things always happening here. Here's a little journal entry I will paste for you all to enjoy.
"She has me so paranoid. I often feel like I have to continuously censer myself. Even in writings like these, in case she finds them in her "snoops". Nothing is safe or sacred. My life is an open book to her. I cannot ever be alone. Anywhere. I cannot ever talk openly or freely. As a joke the other day, she said "Rich, you have to think of me when you are wearing your clothes. I might want to borrow them and I can't if they're dirty." I know it was a joke. But for a second, I took it seriously. And I wonder if the next time I get some of my normal (not work) clothes dirty...will I feel anxious because of what she joked about? My head is messed up.
She lies to me more than I lie to her. The things she says to me, then what she changes them to a month or so later amaze me. And she often never remembers telling me anything in the first place. Like when she told me Shaun and her had done nothing but kiss a few times, and that he was treating her well, and that there was nothing else going on. Now I find out he was a dick to her a bunch of times. And that she sucked him off at least once before sex. And all the while, complaining to me about being open and wanting to share relationship or hookup info, like friends do. Ironic. "
Wild ride, my life is. She has done so many inappropriate things in her life, that she has closets full of little dirty secrets. And even though I know a lot of them, the fact that they are a secret to someone makes her get edgy about it. A lot of times, I am to blame for instigating. But not nearly as much as I used to be. She has taught me gobs about tolerance. But there are other times when she is so short with me, she begins to scream at me and curse and call me names and tell me that the whole argument is my fault. And then....get this... I told her I fell like I get blamed for entire fights a lot, especially during the fight. She disagreed, and even called that feeling "ludicrous". Then she goes on to tell me that maybe a lot of times, but definitely not most, I AM the cause of it all. Nevermind the fact that there is no fight with only one person. Can't be. It's like blaming only the initiator of consentual sex one night for the resultant child. Insanity. Then she goes on to tell me that she's too tired to explain it all back to me when I question this change in stance on the issue. Then she tells me that whomever started the fight (ie-the first aggressive/mean/something comment) is to blame for starting it, and hence the fight that ensues. Some truth there, but then it can be argued that the act or comment that spurred the "initial" comment is to blame. Upon hearing those words from my mouth, she tells me that it's my own damned fault for feeling like I was blamed a lot! She said it was my fault because I didn't "blame her back" more often!!!! Neato, huh? I really need to get the hell out of this life and put this one behind me. I have let it take too many odd turns.... shoulda made that left at Albequerque! So, my life plans from here involve leaving her geographic region. That is one of my main goals. And to repair my flawed credit. Humble goals for a 30-something, I think.
Does anyone know of a good mantra or remedy to instill one's inner strength into their outer persona? I need my words and actions to reflect my thoughts, not just to cover my ass and lessen the impact of the oncoming train. It's like I am going down, but not going down fighting. That makes me feels lame. But at least it has me feeling inspired. We find motivation in the strangest of places.
Love to you all on this Easter Sunday.
"She has me so paranoid. I often feel like I have to continuously censer myself. Even in writings like these, in case she finds them in her "snoops". Nothing is safe or sacred. My life is an open book to her. I cannot ever be alone. Anywhere. I cannot ever talk openly or freely. As a joke the other day, she said "Rich, you have to think of me when you are wearing your clothes. I might want to borrow them and I can't if they're dirty." I know it was a joke. But for a second, I took it seriously. And I wonder if the next time I get some of my normal (not work) clothes dirty...will I feel anxious because of what she joked about? My head is messed up.
She lies to me more than I lie to her. The things she says to me, then what she changes them to a month or so later amaze me. And she often never remembers telling me anything in the first place. Like when she told me Shaun and her had done nothing but kiss a few times, and that he was treating her well, and that there was nothing else going on. Now I find out he was a dick to her a bunch of times. And that she sucked him off at least once before sex. And all the while, complaining to me about being open and wanting to share relationship or hookup info, like friends do. Ironic. "
Wild ride, my life is. She has done so many inappropriate things in her life, that she has closets full of little dirty secrets. And even though I know a lot of them, the fact that they are a secret to someone makes her get edgy about it. A lot of times, I am to blame for instigating. But not nearly as much as I used to be. She has taught me gobs about tolerance. But there are other times when she is so short with me, she begins to scream at me and curse and call me names and tell me that the whole argument is my fault. And then....get this... I told her I fell like I get blamed for entire fights a lot, especially during the fight. She disagreed, and even called that feeling "ludicrous". Then she goes on to tell me that maybe a lot of times, but definitely not most, I AM the cause of it all. Nevermind the fact that there is no fight with only one person. Can't be. It's like blaming only the initiator of consentual sex one night for the resultant child. Insanity. Then she goes on to tell me that she's too tired to explain it all back to me when I question this change in stance on the issue. Then she tells me that whomever started the fight (ie-the first aggressive/mean/something comment) is to blame for starting it, and hence the fight that ensues. Some truth there, but then it can be argued that the act or comment that spurred the "initial" comment is to blame. Upon hearing those words from my mouth, she tells me that it's my own damned fault for feeling like I was blamed a lot! She said it was my fault because I didn't "blame her back" more often!!!! Neato, huh? I really need to get the hell out of this life and put this one behind me. I have let it take too many odd turns.... shoulda made that left at Albequerque! So, my life plans from here involve leaving her geographic region. That is one of my main goals. And to repair my flawed credit. Humble goals for a 30-something, I think.
Does anyone know of a good mantra or remedy to instill one's inner strength into their outer persona? I need my words and actions to reflect my thoughts, not just to cover my ass and lessen the impact of the oncoming train. It's like I am going down, but not going down fighting. That makes me feels lame. But at least it has me feeling inspired. We find motivation in the strangest of places.
Love to you all on this Easter Sunday.
posted by Rich at 4/11/2004 07:02:00 PM
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