Life is far too short to waste away in the manner I am wasting it away. I read the paper (still subscribe to the NY Times, even)...watch the news and get too many magazines. I hang out in a bar or two and have some friends in all walks of life. But not many...just enough. And I have almost no outlet for my own banter and philosophy. I reread Kant and Ginsberg and dozens of others, still searching for some mystical enlightenment in it all. Then, once in a while I actually convince myself of one of two things. The first is nice...it is the notion that here is a framework behind everything that I am rapidly getting closer to seeing. Not like the Matrix (duh), but more like some inner working...maybe the truth about God. If there is one, that is. I am desperately searching for something to believe in that makes sense, and that I can't readily poke holes in. So the first notion I grow to accept is that I have almost found an answer to it all. The second notion is much more pragmatic...it is the notion that there is nothing and I need to get busy living. Either way, it is inspiring, so I keep reading and rereading and finding new things to read.
But I still feel like it is a waste sometimes...not that I should die, mind you. Simply that I should be doing so much more with my life and my degree and my loves and my wants. And less with my ex.
Valentine's Day. I used to love it, but I never thought about it much. I just saw it as an outlet for my passion. My favorite V-Day was in 2000, less than a year after a girlfriend of almost 6 years split up with me. So I decided I needed to be the Valentine of the most beautiful woman in my life at the time. Josie Cain. I knew her from work, and she had recently ended a long-term sentence of her own. So it was set. So I went to the florist and stood in line that afternoon, while she was at work at Starbucks in Eastchester, New York. And when I got to the counter, I ordered two $25 bouquets and was expected to pay for them. I declined, and continued my order. And the men and boys behind me suddenly felt less romantic. I ordered a bundle of 100 carnations and in the center was to be one yellow rose, for friendship. It took a while, and cost a whole lot, but I got it. And I went to her work, and I walked in the store with the 2 small arrangements and gave them to Teri and Kristen, who were also working there at the time. Josie asked where hers were, and I told her I was taking care of a very special night for her after work, and she got excited. Walking out, I got some nice compliments from the customers. I felt good, and so did everyone. Then I waited in my truck for a few minutes and walked in with Josie's bundle. And everyone almost died. That is the quintessential core of the day for me. A kind, loving gesture, preempted by a moment of terrific surprise.
So this year, with me single and my screwed up ex living here, I wonder what I can do. Or rather, what I should do about it. So I decide to get a simple card and do nothing. No roses, no dinner, no flowers. Too much mistreatment has gone down. So my shrink gets her wish, and I stop giving. And I feel good about it mostly. But kinda sad, because I know I am the only one in her life out here in Colorado. Tough. That felt good to write. Even old dogs can learn new tricks once in a while.
But I still feel like it is a waste sometimes...not that I should die, mind you. Simply that I should be doing so much more with my life and my degree and my loves and my wants. And less with my ex.
Valentine's Day. I used to love it, but I never thought about it much. I just saw it as an outlet for my passion. My favorite V-Day was in 2000, less than a year after a girlfriend of almost 6 years split up with me. So I decided I needed to be the Valentine of the most beautiful woman in my life at the time. Josie Cain. I knew her from work, and she had recently ended a long-term sentence of her own. So it was set. So I went to the florist and stood in line that afternoon, while she was at work at Starbucks in Eastchester, New York. And when I got to the counter, I ordered two $25 bouquets and was expected to pay for them. I declined, and continued my order. And the men and boys behind me suddenly felt less romantic. I ordered a bundle of 100 carnations and in the center was to be one yellow rose, for friendship. It took a while, and cost a whole lot, but I got it. And I went to her work, and I walked in the store with the 2 small arrangements and gave them to Teri and Kristen, who were also working there at the time. Josie asked where hers were, and I told her I was taking care of a very special night for her after work, and she got excited. Walking out, I got some nice compliments from the customers. I felt good, and so did everyone. Then I waited in my truck for a few minutes and walked in with Josie's bundle. And everyone almost died. That is the quintessential core of the day for me. A kind, loving gesture, preempted by a moment of terrific surprise.
So this year, with me single and my screwed up ex living here, I wonder what I can do. Or rather, what I should do about it. So I decide to get a simple card and do nothing. No roses, no dinner, no flowers. Too much mistreatment has gone down. So my shrink gets her wish, and I stop giving. And I feel good about it mostly. But kinda sad, because I know I am the only one in her life out here in Colorado. Tough. That felt good to write. Even old dogs can learn new tricks once in a while.
posted by Rich at 2/13/2004 06:17:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home