Well, it's been a good long while. Lots of things have happened. Not the least of which was my boss (the recently-new owner) coming down to my shop and calling me outside to have a talk with him. His first words were "I get the feeling you're not happy here." Yep. Those were the words precluding the termination of Pat, a good friend and exceedingly talented ironworker. So I immediately got a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn't dispute it, but I explained my feelings. I the end, it was a nice 20-minute seance (of sorts) in which I got in touch with my old self, and let him have some legitimate feelings. But, alas...I fear no good will come out of it. I still have a job, though. And as soon as our main competitor closes on their new building, I have a job there for a decent deal more money doing the same job I am doing now. I just need to decide if I will take the job, or be the undying optimist.


More fun stuff...the home life is either terrific or horrendous. Today, I was called, let's see....all these are exact quotes, but in no particular order...dick, dickhead, ass, asshole, a complete dickhead, a complete asshole, idiotic, jerk, jerkoff, and jackass. Nice. Well, you see, it started when I was driving to picka friend up at the gym in my Jeep. So I picked her up and we were off to Border's to hang out and read and drink some Chai. So on the way there, in the middle of downtown, there is a billboard completely in Spanish. I comment that it's odd, and wonder why Qwest would waste the money on such a billboard in the affluent, predominantly caucasian neighborhood it was in. So I get Hell's wrath for that. I must be a racist. At least that's what I was told. Then it began a series of mockery. How on earth could I not understand that it is private property and they can do whatever they want and write whatever they want. I refresh her memory that it is private COMMERCIAL property on PUBLIC display and that they should be expected to uphold SOME laws....not that the billboard is in violation of any, but they can't do whatever they want. Well, I must have been wrong again...that's what I was told. I must research the laws!

But in other news, the cats are terrific, and Aidan has begun to sleep with me almost every night. Biscuit is lighteneing up, and becoming more social. Brain, on the other hand, will always be weird. Weird as in skiddish and insane. But insane in a fun way.

And my mountains have been nothing shy of beautifu every morning for the past week solid. It is such a nice thing to look outside during the day and see the splendors.

Reading some Poe currently, and getting back into the Velvet Underground and some good blues. But I must go, for the angel hair and stuffed chicken are calling...can't have dinner be anything less than it should be! Off to the stove! Have a good night, y'all!

Life is far too short to waste away in the manner I am wasting it away. I read the paper (still subscribe to the NY Times, even)...watch the news and get too many magazines. I hang out in a bar or two and have some friends in all walks of life. But not many...just enough. And I have almost no outlet for my own banter and philosophy. I reread Kant and Ginsberg and dozens of others, still searching for some mystical enlightenment in it all. Then, once in a while I actually convince myself of one of two things. The first is nice...it is the notion that here is a framework behind everything that I am rapidly getting closer to seeing. Not like the Matrix (duh), but more like some inner working...maybe the truth about God. If there is one, that is. I am desperately searching for something to believe in that makes sense, and that I can't readily poke holes in. So the first notion I grow to accept is that I have almost found an answer to it all. The second notion is much more pragmatic...it is the notion that there is nothing and I need to get busy living. Either way, it is inspiring, so I keep reading and rereading and finding new things to read.

But I still feel like it is a waste sometimes...not that I should die, mind you. Simply that I should be doing so much more with my life and my degree and my loves and my wants. And less with my ex.

Valentine's Day. I used to love it, but I never thought about it much. I just saw it as an outlet for my passion. My favorite V-Day was in 2000, less than a year after a girlfriend of almost 6 years split up with me. So I decided I needed to be the Valentine of the most beautiful woman in my life at the time. Josie Cain. I knew her from work, and she had recently ended a long-term sentence of her own. So it was set. So I went to the florist and stood in line that afternoon, while she was at work at Starbucks in Eastchester, New York. And when I got to the counter, I ordered two $25 bouquets and was expected to pay for them. I declined, and continued my order. And the men and boys behind me suddenly felt less romantic. I ordered a bundle of 100 carnations and in the center was to be one yellow rose, for friendship. It took a while, and cost a whole lot, but I got it. And I went to her work, and I walked in the store with the 2 small arrangements and gave them to Teri and Kristen, who were also working there at the time. Josie asked where hers were, and I told her I was taking care of a very special night for her after work, and she got excited. Walking out, I got some nice compliments from the customers. I felt good, and so did everyone. Then I waited in my truck for a few minutes and walked in with Josie's bundle. And everyone almost died. That is the quintessential core of the day for me. A kind, loving gesture, preempted by a moment of terrific surprise.

So this year, with me single and my screwed up ex living here, I wonder what I can do. Or rather, what I should do about it. So I decide to get a simple card and do nothing. No roses, no dinner, no flowers. Too much mistreatment has gone down. So my shrink gets her wish, and I stop giving. And I feel good about it mostly. But kinda sad, because I know I am the only one in her life out here in Colorado. Tough. That felt good to write. Even old dogs can learn new tricks once in a while.

I am the world's strongest man and yet I feel so helpless. What can I do when someone I love will not be honest? And I don't mean about trivial little things like the "lies" we all tell from time to time. I mean the big ones. When someone can look me in the eye for weeks and tell me how great something was that they did...then tell me that it sucked and they are sorry they did it...then tell me they didn't ever want to do it. That it was done to them after they said "No". I think we all have a pretty good idea about what I am talking about. The worst part? She won't even tell me that it really happened that way. It's in between the lines and it's killing her slowly. The conversational slips ("It's not like I wanted it to happen that night"), to the pamphlet lying in her room that catch my eye when we are chatting in there. No one has a Rape Crisis pamphlet who hasn't dealt with it personally, either to them or to a loved one. It just all makes sense and the more I look, the more I see the guilt and torment gushing out of every pore of her soul. And such a delicate flower she is, that if I told her that I thought such a thing happened, she would lash out and create SUCH a distance that I might lose her altogether. And she might lose me, and I feel that would be a travesty for both of us. I care deeply for her still. And I hope I always do. But I know she will lose those feelings for me someday. She creates so much drama and strife in her world, that there is no room for anyone other than her for too long. Maybe I should beat her to it and try to help one last time.

But I won't. At least not yet. I need to find a group for people like me. Somewhere that I can find a shoulder to lean on and get advice from. I want to help. My Mother was raped at a young age, and a former girlfriend was while in college. And those are just the ones I know about. There has to be support for the thousands like me. If anyone knows of any, drop me a line. I will be looking, but my life can get busy very rapidly. It might take a little while.

Thanks to all of you in bearing with me in such a sticky, painful situation. I wish you all well, as I do for all of us in this house. Night to you.

OK. I will first give a brief account of the NY trip. So I fly into NY and my folks actually paid for a Town Car (just your basic high-end Lincoln, not some stretch job) to pick me up at LaGuardia. With my name on a sign and everything. Weird. So I get home and spend a fun night with them. The next day, I manage to get in touch with Jay, a dear friend from my old work that I have kept in touch with since moving 2 years ago. So my folks drive me into Westchester to meet up with him and hit some bars. So we do. And it s big fun. And we meet up (surprisingly) with Kristen and a friend of hers there, at my old bar, which is now Jay's bar. We had a throroughly great time. And I found another old friend, Caroline, working there....what a nice find. And Jay and I went back to his house afterwards and had a couple beers and slept the night away. I got up and got my stuff together and Jay dropped me off at the train station on his way to pay for his Master's program he is starting. I got a ticket to Grand Central and walked across the street to my old favorite pizza joint to get a couple slices. And then Kristen calls and we make plans to hit the Museum of Natural History. So she comes down from White Plains to Tuckahoe and picks me up and we pick up her friend Jen and we are off. Another fine day plays out. And then afterwards (5 something PM) I get to Penn Station for the trip back to the folks' for the night. And the train ticket is about $12. And it only goes 15 miles away from their house. So I get a $30 cab from the station to their house. And that pissed me off a little bit. But whatever. So I spend the night alone because the are out to dinner and I was never even close to popular in High School, so it's not like my old friends are still there. So that's that. I wake up, have a decent day, and get taken to the train station for my 5:20 PM flight into Dallas, which was delayed 20 minutes for no good reason. Then they can't get the plane away from the gate because of the ice on the ground. So we leave 2 hours late. So much for my connecting flight. So Delta puts us all up (120 of us) in the Hyatt and we catch the first avaliable flight out the next morning. Mine is at 9:20. So that's another day of work shot in the keister. Well, that plane gets delayed because some guy was waiting in the wrong terminal. So he had to get the bus and get to the right terminal. So another delayed flight. And the idiot who was late? He sat next to me. Nice. My luck never fails.

And that was my vacation. A whole lot less glamorous than I imagined. But in some ways, well worth it.

So being back has been interesting. I know I swore off talking about "her", but I must for just a moment or two. She has been dreamy ever since I got back. Seemingly missing me. Makes me feel good. But mostly confused. And tonight, when I called Penelope and made plans (one of the myriad of women I am meeting), she suddenly got all mean and cold. I offered her a ride to a seminar at 6PM tomorrow night, since we are expected to get 4-10 inches of snow between now and then, and she was a total ass about it, and refused. And for the next few minutes continued to be so. Then started asking all sorts of jealous questions; Have you touched her _____ yet? Has she _____ yet? Have you two ______ yet? So I replied that it was none of her business, and she said "Some friend you are...friends talk about this stuff." So I asked her if she really wanted to know or was just sickly curious in that jealous, angry way. She said "Jealous of what, exactly?" So you know what I said....jealous of someone else actually getting my love. She got even colder and madder. So I went into my room and sat in front of his computer. She came in and did her usual a few mintues later...laid on my bed and tried to be all cute. It is getting so predictable and sad. I feel bad for her. She is so lost. I am glad I am letting her be lost. I am no one's shepherd. She must find her way...since she crabbed for so long about needing to find herself. GO! Find yourself already! And start leaving me alone!

OK, done for another long while. That's the honest truth. To avoid talking about anyone or anything is to avoid dealing. So that's my stance. OK. Aidan is sleeping on my bed now, and I must go join him. He is a cat. And the other 2 are destroying the rest of my home, as only kittens can do! I must go lie down and do a little reading before I doze off. Trying to make my way through some of my old favorites, and see how differently I look at them now. Night to you ladies (since we all know my guy friends don't read this!).

Been a little while since my last post, but I am working on a lot of hectic things in my so-called life right now. And my blog seems to have gone streaky since my last visit. Hmmm.....curious. I must go find out what's up. I will post a nice long blog tomorrow. It should be intersting. Night!