So the tree is trimmed and my brother and his bizarre family helped. It ended up looking pretty, as it should. I just wish I wasn't sleeping alone for the holidays. And that's really it. I just don't want to be alone. Not that I don't miss Beth, but I don't miss Beth in my bed. I just miss someone at this point. These are not the times to be alone.

She did call tonight, which was completely unexpected. But she did also say that she had already talked to "him". So I am playing second fiddle, and honestly I should be. Especially with all that she has going on with him and in her head right now. I am glad she called. I am happy she is trying to be happy. I just wish she wasn't content beng easy in order to be happy. And frustrated with "him". I mean, what kind of "really nice guy" (her words) lets the first sex between them be not only unprotected, but with her completely drunk? What kind of relationship is that going to be? What a great deal of respect he showed her. At least now he has the prized bargaining chip...they already did it, so why not keep doing it. Meaningless sex, the one thing she said she would never do. She has changed and she doesn't even know why.

And I don't really know why I care. Except that I really care for her and that will never change. I have been through enough love and enough heartbreak to know that this is not just a passing phase that I must go through. This time it feels different. I still care for her. As a friend. As a really good friend sometimes.

But I know I shouldn't. The field is not level. I get nothing.